When you don't believe love

A very interesting philosophical idea:

She said that she loves me once again, and once again I am stuck, because I, once again, like I swore not to do, became dependent. Dependent on her affection and appreciation, like a child needs his mother's love. Somewhere inside of me, I'm insecure, but she takes that away, and that feeling is my addiction. Even so I do not allow myself to accept what she says because I've been broken before, and, just as before, I know that I am not what people praise, but what they condemn. I'm not judged on my success, I'm judged by my mistakes, and that is, unfortunately, what I've come to believe. For the same reason I do not accept victories and I do not see the good in my achievements, and, for the same reason, I do not give myself the appreciation that I deserve, because what does my opinion matter, when all I strive for is to be loved by others. The meaning that I've come to find is that existence, cruel as it may be, doesn't care for the individual but only for mankind alone. While I do enjoy my own pleasure there's no point to living alone and there is no greater meaning than being there for others, which is why it hurts so bad, when the same people who I want to help tell me that I am not enough. It hurts so much, in fact, that I build internal structures, like developing denial, false identities, and excuses, in order to avoid the pain. The walls that I build keeps me locked in and completely alone, not because of what other people do, but because of how I respond to it. A child who is loved unconditionally at birth learns that they have value and eventually take their place in the world, but the rest, like me, must figure life out on their own, which I must consider impossible. My greatest enemy and my only love is other people, because just as much as they can take in my love, they can show me that I am worthless, for which there is no reason for me to disbelieve them.

So she said that she loves me, once again, but once again, I do not trust her, because I do not believe that I am worth much, because I do not want to feel the pain of being disvalued. Once again, I am stuck, not because of what she does, but because of what I do to myself.