3/21

It's a new day. I never had a close relationship with my parents. They are always bothering me when im minding my own business. I was really young and they would always treat me harshly. I tried to open up to my mom but she was always yelling at me. I think the society game is a scam. I mean there arent even jobs now. But even without that I sense no real community in where I live because it's a diverse culture. I think the difficulty level of life is so high and school didnt really prepare us for that. I am sick and tired of life. The economy when I was school was not how it was when I graduated. I hear how the housing market is also way to expensive. With all this someone summarized saying it's the 1% at the top who caused all this. I also think it's because of globalization which is causing this pay inequality. Maybe globalization in the grand scheme of things is good but if workers dont benefit because AI replaces jobs.. isnt that a bit too much? I hope I atleast will have wifi and my phone to write. Life was so much simple back then but I guess it was also when big wars happened which is weird. School teaches abt positive feelings but chasing positive experiences is itself a negative experience. I believed that for so long only to realize it's a lie. I trusted the wrong people and they owed me nothing. Some people are very fake. I dont mind where Im at but I am young and do not know what there future will have for me. I will create my own safe space. I think money tries to get in my way but I wont let it. The most loyal employees get laid off anyway with no explanations and with loads of debt. They have silenced me for so long. Even if I dont have a space for writing I hope I can find a private area like a restroom and I can talk to myself. I feel so lonely. I realize I should be where my satisfaction level should be and it's this. I think that this world is too intense. All of deal with problems. I think that bothers me is what would happen if im on the streets. I dont know where else to go. The economy wasnt this bad when I was a kid. I realize though this is what happens under capitalism. It only focuses on profit. Now having a job and paying for rent is not easy. I think life is about not what I have or accomplish. It's about having a small time to myself. Because I did everything. I dont even have these things and if this is how I feel.. The reason I say all this is because I think life is not sunshine and rainbows. It's supposed to taste terrible. It's supposed to hurt me. It's supposed to scare me. It's supposed to make me feel helpless at times. It's supposed to never let me know what would happen on the next page. It's supposed throw people at me who are cruel. Heartless. Careless. Evil. All my heart asks is I give it some time everyday to listen. There is a lot of terrible news on this planet. I think how superficial this world is. I think of how cruel this world is. I think of how something seems normal but isnt. There are people who have follow society's expectations and dont have lost it all. Why should I chase and be submissive to people who I do not want to follow? Who I do not see workable? I will not join the game. Not like working will pay the bills anyway. I have been never given a space to talk abt real issues. But I also throughout as I found out greatly it wasnt true when I was 18 that I would go straight to college and live in a dorm. Turns out it wasnt true. I know how it feels to be under the palms of the enemy. But if this is the gift of life then I cherish it. Sometimes I may not even have the means but I will take breathes. I do not want the success in a way that only certain types of people atleast in a capitalistic society win at it. Life is weird. I think the point of life is to figure it out as it goes. The point of life is to not know. To even be scared at times. To be unsettled. Challenged. Maybe not all of it is the point but these will be there. Not finding anyone who relates who is tough and I hope to find people who relate atleast somewhat. I just never had a close friend because my parents would bother my personal life. Atleast now Im older and can set that up for myself. I think of all this as a journey and dont feel behind. I just have to be strong. If life challenges me I just have to suck it up. The world is too cruel. All because of greed. Because most people actually did the hard work and still get used. I think I rather go the path Im on.. Even if I have the cars, money, I would feel the same. I think life isnt about money. I will do what I have to do to earn the bare minimum. I think life is too cruel. I think the point of life is like thinking about even living with parents. If a kid lives with a parent and is told they have to leave it would stir that child up. To me I would like to change it in a way to but why. Why that much? Why do certain moments in life cause such a dramatic change in feeling? I believe that is not a good place to be in. I think being strong in myself is important. The world has so much hate I need to do my part in being strong. I think that I would rather have it this way. Because the more I think about it the less I can relate to certain types of people. The farther I get the more I can more how I would like. The more I know what I really want not what they want me to want. The more I am less relatable to people I dont want. The more I find myself. The less I am a puppet to their foolery. It's hasnt even given me anything in return which Im glad. All people do is step on me. Fake promise. As long as I have something like this now I will be ok. People are so cruel. I rather be on the path Im on. I think life is a lie. I just want to run away. Why are people so cruel to me? I think it's too much. I think the world is too cruel. I like what Im doing. I know I get serious and this a long post. I just never really had a space to talk with someone. I hope life will get easier as it goes. Too many people have moved into this country. Not enough jobs. What is the next move? I think the point of life is to be greatful for moments like these. Moments where I can be vulnerable. Honest. Myself. I think if I was in ms hs back then around the 90s before social media I would be so happy. I think the world is noisy. I think i want to cry. I wish I found someone who could relate with me. I think life is so lame. I think this lifestyle isnt for me. I think life is so lame. I think the point of life is to face the challenges saying you win life but I still have to play the game since Im here. Ok ok. Why am I so scared? emotional? Because I was raised in not so great ways. Also was influenced and naive. I just want to say I dont care. Life is to me a video. Me participating as I have to but not the point. I think life is and people might say why not take life lightly? Because life is serious. I watch social media all the time. I trusted people so much and they turned their back on me. People in my life who always talk abt life. When I justed wanted to go outside and have fun. I dont want the job if it pays well but is trashy people around towards me atleast. I think the point is tbh I just never was on my own before. I need to stop sleeping so much. It's not good fr me.

I dont do this to fit in with certain groups. I do this because it's who I want to be for myself. Jobs dont even pay the bills. When I see what life is abt I need this safe space. I know life will never really give me a time to have times like this. I dont care if society steps on me. I just never had a close friend. Just keep going. It might be totally shit. I hope not. But atleast I have this. Ok so just saying that life is tough but thats life. I hope find someone who can relate with me. I hope to find someone who will work with me. I hope to connect with someone. Idc for this planet.

Life is tough. But I need a place I can call home. I decided to call it stuff like this. I hope that through all this I get to where I want to be. Life is too tough. People are too cruel. I did my part. I hope through all this I get to where I want to be. To be at peace here would be nice lol. Life is tough. But thats life. Maybe I have somethings wrong abt life Im not sure. I think I dont want the job. The money. The do I look ok to society bullcrap. I think to me life isnt abt the appearance. I think life is a lie. Life is life. Thank youu.