tonight, i went to spend nye with the man that i dream about marrying one day. i’m starting to think he’s as bad as he is good for me and nights like this only confirm that.

him and i have been circling each other for a long time. it’s been a slow build of an unofficial relationship as we navigate a number of speed bumps & hurdles, both personal & as a pair. the good between us is really, really good. sometimes we’re so in sync, finishing each other’s sentences, predicting each other’s movements. i could write poetry about him, about us.

and then other times, a small miscommunication turns into a huge conflict; arguments that bring out the worst in both of us. his mood changes on a dime and suddenly, he’s a brick wall. suddenly can’t seem to get away from me fast enough. he’ll unceremoniously cancel plans mid-doing them, take off & act like nothing happened next time i see him.

that’s what happened tonight. we were going to be together in a new way; i was ready, he was ready. when it came time for that part of the night, he withdrew. asked me to drive him home. once again, couldn’t leave me fast enough - no hug goodbye like always, told me to come “see him later” when it was already near midnight, just scrambled out of my jeep and was out of sight before i could even get out and around the vehicle. didn’t answer my call or text.

i cannot shake the feeling that we’re sharing orbits for a reason. i’m not prepared for him to be a lesson.