I'm 25, I'm working on myself need to hear some options...

Hello everyone! Before anything else, this is my second language ( I'm form Romania )... And I hope you'll realize I can't really think of many details as of now .. but I'll edit if need be ..

I'll start with a simple question, that is: Do you see life equal to existence? I find myself wanting a better.. me.. but at the same time am always questioning if it's even an option or most of the time .. why ..? I'm learning IT ( pretty much all fields .. I focus on OS, more on the Linux side.. I'm working all the time on my own setup, especially on a text editor called emacs ( it's a workflow specific setup, more to help me mind map my manuals but off course I use it to map my own life more then anything) I'm working on learning different languages, a couple of sciences and more important ( form my pov ) skills that I can use to grow myself or to be ready for whatever it's coming next for me and eventually... ( hopefully) my future family ( rn it's just me and my uncle ...

I'm putting aside a list of tools for all kinds of needs ( from basic like edc/self care/med bag/work out (( calisthenics, rucking, climbing, and off course... the all mighty running.... Ahh .. cordio -_- ... )) and so on ... ) I'm always looking to make a new map or add a new page ..

But here is the point where I need to express dark side of me...

With all this work, the info about this world, the pain I face ( especially when I look around me and all I see it's either pain or death ) ... I find myself becoming numb to gore, horror.. or with time even my own pain and even desires I used to have ... ( God (( if there is one )) knows how much I wanted to learn playing guitar but after I bought it (( was a kit for an electric guitar .. so nice to make it myself ... )) I destroyed it. I find myself only focusing on the dark lately... more then I should... So much more then I was before ...

So.. do you think I should keep going ? I don't think it will end well ....