My life is in shambles and it’s all my fault

Quick disclaimer:

I already know that I made bad life decisions. So please refrain from the name calling and sexual slurs. I don’t need to feel any worse than I already do.

So to give you some background, I am 26f and about 8 months post break up.

I thought that it would be a good idea for me to start dating because I thought that I had healed. In hindsight, I most certainly have not.

To give you some background I had an on and off again fwb. We haven’t been intimate in months. We also haven’t spoken in months. Im brining this up because this will be an important part later.

Well anyway, this past weekend I took a trip to see a guy that I have been getting to know. Initially when we first started talking and getting to know each other I cut it off because I felt like he was too sexual and also we just didn’t click. When I tried to cut it off, he begged me to stay and also contacted me from multiple numbers begging me to give him another chance.

Stupidly, I did. We began to talk for a few months and then I made a trip to go and see him. Before the trip I told him that I did not want to be intimate and I wanted to get that out the way. He said that it was fine etc.

When I finally met up with him (I was staying with him for five days) the first day he tried so hard to have sex. I told him no and the whole night he was persistent. By the next morning it was like a switch had flipped. He was cold, didn’t want to speak to me, was rude, etc.

The only time he gave me attention was when he was trying to be sexual. Needless to say, the trip was not that good.

When I made it home, I got a long text from him saying how we “don’t click” and how “it felt like I was just there”. He also made it a point to tell me “I don’t feel this way because we weren’t intimate, but we just don’t click”. I wished him the best and that was it.

I was already irritated because of that. And my night went from bad to worse.

My old fwb called me and we just started catching up. Out of NO WHERE, he started talking about how all I am is a booty call to him and I will never be anything more… This isn’t news but I was just hurt because idk why he even brought that up. I didn’t say anything to him about it. And he just started YELLING at me degrading me saying horrible things.

I hung up on him and tried to go to sleep. Just my luck, I couldn’t fall asleep so I ended up being up the whole night. I didn’t sleep not once and I still had to be at work at 6.

Tbh I am just exhausted and drained. I’m sure I bring these issues on myself but still. It just seems like when in already low, someone has to make me feel even lower.

I feel very dirty, worthless, and undeserving of life rn.