1 month ago
27
In the beginning I'm sorry for my English. It's not my first language so it isn't excellent. I'm also autistic which sometimes makes communication weird or hard although I'm very intelligent.
My heart is aching and my mind is in shock after the situation that had place a few days ago.
I (37F) met a guy (48M) online a few months ago. I live in a big city in Poland and he moved from USA to another big city in my country to study our history. He can't speak Polish yet but I speak English at a level that we could communicate with not so big effort. Although I told him that I felt I couldn't put my every thought in words exactly as it was in my head and I tried to say it differently which made me a bit sad and tired sometimes. He sad he understood because he had this with foreign languages too. We met through the dating app and then we were texting through a different app which needed a phone number. We were texting for a few weeks and were planning to meet in person but we needed to wait until I came back from work in another country We matched in many aspects from the beginning and as we were knowing each other more every new aspect also seemed to exactly match between us. I'm after an abusive relationship so I was especially observing him for some signs of lovebombing or gaslighting or other toxic stuff but there were none. He also knew about my autism from the start and accepted it even saying he might be autistic too. He was peaceful, warm, using kind words and gestures towards me. I was supposed to help him with learning Polish and he with making my English better. I want to write books and it turned out that he was the writer. He's also a singer and wrote his own songs - I loved it and I also sing. And more. Like I said before everything or almost everything matched between us not necessarily being the some but also complementing eachother like puzzles. We both payed attention to details and he even warned me after sending me his story that there were a sad scene involving a dying dog because he remembered that my doggy died a few weeks earlier and he wouldn't want to cause me being sad or hurt me in any way. My heart was touched. I supported him, he supported me. There came the big day we couldn't wait for and we met. We were both stressed before but also very happy. I came to the city where he lived (there's a great connection between our cities, 1 hour way by bus) for the weekend and it was great. He struggled with the paperwork for prolonging a Polish residence but managed it and I helped him with that as much as I could. He was greatful, everything went well so he could stay in Poland longer and we could meet again. We made plans for last weekend. He was supposed to come on Saturday morning to my city this time and stay till the next day. We made some plans to visit interesting places and my propositions were involved with things he liked because I wanted him to feel happy and welcomed here. We were excited about this. We finished planning details on Friday through texting (we agreed before that we both didn't like phonecalls but we needed to pay attention while texting because it's without mimics or voice tone, yes he's also very smart). It was already an evening, we were casually texting and getting to know eachother more like usually. I asked some of my questions so another topic started and once again we were at the same page BUT... something weird happened.
I was in the middle of my statement consisting of a few thoughts and like usually I was clicking "send" after every thought creating more then one text bubble in the app (creating one big text bubble brought me some problems in communication with others in the past, so I changed my way of texting) and suddenly! he wrote that we shouldn't meet the next day... or ever. I was so much in shock and I felt so strong fear that my body was immediately in pain (I feel things in a specific way due to autism). After a second I realised what could happen and even though I wasn't sure about it I wrote "Please read again. Please.". I'm still almost one hundred percent sure that he read my words in the exact opposite way of what I wrote and what I meant, and he assumed that I have the opposite opinion on the topic. But I don't really know because he never spoke to me again or even read messages in the app after his last words. And I'm pretty sure he didn't read my classic sms also. I guess that he blocked me. I wanted to call him but I was too afraid.
I explained through texting in a few different ways what I meant and what I thought might happen. I was literally shaking from great fear, sadness and feeling injustice but I tried to put my every thought in kind words considering that he went through some shit in the past. I wrote that I couldn't imagine what he must have been through and what trauma caused this reaction. I wrote that it's sad and scary that he didn't considered that English wasn't my first language, that I was autistic and he didn't even read till the end of my statement but that I also believed "people make honest mistakes". I asked him to read my messages in the app, the real me if he would choose the truth over emotional imagination and I asked to call me if he would change his mind. I wrote that I don't expect anything from him but I'm open even though I'm hurt.
But like I said I believe that he never read any of my messages and maybe he never will.
I was called names in the past because of assumptions. I was humiliated and I almost died (literally) because of assumptions. He brought these memories back.
I was falling for him and this feeling is still there. I feel like I have a dagger in my heart. I feel the real pain. I'm arranging some order in my head with the main thought that sometimes life brings ugly surprises like this but it's hard because I also believe that we build our own destination and I know I did my best.
Please listen and read carefully, and till the end in communication with others. Don't react on your emotions and imagination instantly as it might change everything.
I wish you all the best.
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