3 hours ago
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I really wanted a place to share my lived experience, and to see if anyone else has gone through something similar. So I hope this is an appropriate sub for this post.
This is about growing up in social isolation and how it’s affected me.
I was in school for a bit of my childhood, Until I was 9. I tried to keep up with the expectations that school demanded, but I couldn’t; the school system was not kind nor forgiving to me. So, after my parents were made aware of my learning disabilities, they decided it would be best to take me out of school in favor of homeschooling.
I learned better with their teaching, and I started making some great progress compared to before. But as things went on—involving other influences that I won’t get into—I was eventually left alone, the effort on their part vanished. This occurred a few years in. I don’t know if you’d call this neglect, but I never ended up reaching the standard level of education for my age. I fell way behind. This has always left me feeling lesser and inferior to others because I lack understanding of basic things that “everybody knows”.
But what does a kid do with no restraints? Well, whatever they want of course! I drew, I played games, I watched videos, shows, and movies. it’s a kid's dream right?… But what do you do when that becomes years? What do you do when you realize that ever since you were taken out of school, you’ve never made a friend? That in the most important years of your development as a human, you were doing nothing?
The crisis started to hit me in my teens. The realization was setting in, that I was missing out on so much, that I was falling deeply behind. How do I get out of this? How do I start living and experiencing normal things like a kid? Now, resources in my area are practically non-existent, and my parents aren’t particularly money abundant, so the only thing we found was… nothing. It may be argued that they could’ve tried harder to find something nearby, anything to make sure I wasn’t practically imprisoned inside. But I try not to blame them. I feel that won’t get me anywhere.
But there was actually one thing they found, but it just so happened to be across the country LOL. It was a summer camp that offered free scholarships to kids with disabilities. So we drove there every summer (driving was cheaper) and I loved it. That was one of the best parts of my childhood. Once a week, once a year, I had the opportunity to be around kids my age. Granted, I was very socially awkward, and any friends I did end up making would live across the country, but despite that, I was just happy I got to be around people at all. I was grateful for it.
Because after that week, I had 51 weeks to go back to.
It was always devastating having to return home. It crushed me every time. I had just got a taste of what I was missing, something every human strives for and something every kid needs. Connection.
It was unbelievably lonely. Every day was exactly the same and it's all a blur now, It's like I never even had a childhood. If I’m honest with you, at a certain point all I did was sleep. It was impossible to do anything else. I would sleep around 17 hours a day. I slept so much that it feels like I spent most of my childhood asleep. And maybe I honestly did. And what’s worse is I never even had my own space, a place where I felt secure. I do have siblings, (who were also taken out of school) I share a room with one, and my walls are currants; I mean like, actual cloth curtains. It's a modified loft above the living room. So there's no privacy, I would be picked on for how much I slept, (sometimes even having my blankets ripped off me) and I would be picked on for how I talked when I tried to make friends online. So now I have a fear of using VC; I’m insanely self-conscious about it. And that killed an entire avenue I could have had to talk to people.
Within this time I would think a lot, I was practically always in my head, (what else do you do with so much time?) and I ended up developing a drive and a will to get out; I HAD too. I didn't want to live like that forever; I was miserable. So I started teaching myself, and I started doing things to improve in ways that would help me get out. It was an insane struggle, I would fall in and out of depressive and motivational streaks, constantly battling to be productive to make progress. I would study for hours, then end up getting so much anxiety from my time in the school system, and as a response, I would sleep, then wake up, and continue studying. I had no help, and I could barely even read or comprehend (reading-wise) until I was 15, But I kept going.
My Light at the end of the tunnel was turning 18. That day would allow me to volunteer, and work at the same summer camp I grew up with. This not only would let me be around people consistently but to have the opportunity to make a meaningful impact on the kids I worked with, in the same way, that I experienced. Right after that, I had my sights set on joining a service program called AmeriCorps, where I would get to spend 10 months in various locations around the country on a team of 10 working as a full-time volunteer.
Nine years. That’s what it was. For the majority of nine years, I was stuck inside with no meaningful connections.
I don’t think people truly realize what that’s like.
And something that I think illustrates it perfectly, Is Covid. Covid shook the world. Covid drastically affected people In so many awful ways. Everyone felt isolated. Teachers to this day say how much It has stunted kids within their development because of those times. But when Covid happened, nothing in my life changed. I didn't even notice. Isn’t that kind of insane? I’m still trying to fully grasp what I went through, and I feel this really highlights it.
So I want to come back to where I’m at today. I did end up getting that counselor job and working the summer, and I was accepted into AmeriCorps 30th Corps and graduated with my team, but after everything, I still don’t feel I’ve truly gotten out.
I’m so stuck in my head on how to engage and connect with others, as well as so many other things, that It prevents me from just being myself and living. It's like I'm trying to manually input commands in a game that everyone has automated. It’s like the way people interact is completely foreign to me, like a culture I'm not a part of. I feel I’ve failed in every connection I’ve tried to make. I don’t think I’m enough to be someone that people want to be around, and I don't blame them, there are so many other options for friends who are far more developed as humans than I am. I’ve been unable to support friends because I was selfish and stuck in my head instead of being there when they needed me. I’ve been too awkward and socially unaware, making others uncomfortable. This frustrates me so much, none of this is ever on purpose, but that doesn't matter, it still happens. I don’t want to have this effect, I want nothing more than to be able to support my friends when they need it and to make those around me feel comfortable.
I know It may not be fair given my circumstances to be this hard on myself, but people don't care what you’ve been through, or the reasons behind your current state, they expect you (whether subconsciously or not) to act a certain way, there’s a standard. And I understand that, and I’m trying my hardest to reach that standard. But It's hard when no one in your life reaches out or seems happy at your presence. I’ve been abandoned and ignored so many times. It’s clear to me that I just don’t currently have what people are looking for. It particularly hurts when people say they care, but their actions disagree.
Right now I’m back where I started. I’m in the same room, and I don't feel I have any strong connections In my life with people who truly care about me.
I don't want to give up, I won't, not after everything. I’m trying to get a job, I think that’ll be a good opportunity to practice being around people. But I believe if I truly want to get out, I can't stay here, this house is still as oppressive as ever, even after being away for some time. So I'm continuing to work towards my education, I'm going to finally get my GED and I'm gonna prove that I am indeed capable despite everything. I don't care if nobody is with me, this will only make me stronger in the long run. Okay maybe I care a little bit, otherwise I wouldn’t be making this really long post, but still.
It's clear that my isolated upbringing has drastically affected me as a person, I wish people understood that, and the ways that I’ve struggled. I wish so badly that I was socialized, and that somebody would reach out to show they care or simply because they want to hang out. But I can’t keep wishing and waiting, I need to find those people, and I need to keep working to be the best version of myself as I can for when I meet them.
If you made It to the end I sincerely thank you for reading. I’ve never shared my story anywhere before so this feels good to shout out into the void. I don't know many people, but I’ve never met anyone who's gone through something similar, and if you have, I would love to hear about it if you'd like to share. I hope you all have an incredible day.
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