In search of myself

I know, it may sound a bit uncanny from the title “In search of myself”- but this is what I feel most of the time. Let me start from the starting. I had a psychotic-mania break in 2018. It was triggered by someone that I was in contact with at that time. It was new very new for me. Someone willing listening to me. I come from a very conservative family. I was never allowed to talk to any male. This first online friend of mine, after a while from being nice started asking for nudes. Man, I didn’t even know what nudes were. I had to google the first asked for them. I was horrified. It disgusted me. But, I was very much infatuated by him. So, somehow I consented. After which the thing got worsening and worsening. Now, after the nudes we wanted to make video calls with my naked self. I always felt humiliated. But, deep inside I also enjoyed too. Because after years of segregation I was being given attention. I am an immigrant and I live in Europe. After coming here, I was bullied a lot during my school. In class, I was isolated from everyone. People used to spit on me. I felt alone a lot. I was/am disgusted by my existence. Maybe that was the sole reason that I accepted whatever this man asked for. I needed validation.

During my childhood, I was molested sexually many times by both genders and I remember sometimes I enjoyed those moments. But when I came here in Europe thankfully no one molested me, at least not physically and till 2018. I was very shy. Sex was a taboo for me. Yes, I used to masturbate but it was a very private thing. Nobody knew about it, and things had its balance. I lost that balance after doing those with that man online on emotional, mental and sexual level. Then I started fucking men in real life: hooks ups, one time one - nothing serious. But these things are having a big impact on my mental health.

I am someone who never knew what she wanted to be once she is a woman. I mean, kids have dream but I hadn’t. I was a completely lost child. I had no clue about the world. When I came in Europe the solitude that I felt and coldness by people I recieved was enormous. I didn’t know Italian at all. It was a big barrier. I felt dumb during the classes. The teacher make tried their best but I was/am a slow learner. I cannot focus for much time on anything. My attention jumps from one thing to another. And I seek attention a lot. Then my teachers suggested me to start reading in order to learn Italian more fast. I hadn’t read a book, apart from those for school, in my whole life. It was something really new for me. I concentrated and read quite a lot, quite randomly, of books. Even in reading you must be guided. At least, I feel so. I many books but cannot remember even one book that I read. That psychotic break in 2018 erased everything from my mind. A complete black-out. I also used to listen to no commercial music and watch parallel cinema. I cannot remember anything. Deep inside, then everything was not okay but had its balance. In that balance, I felt I could become someone. A name of someone who knows about films, politics, poetry, music, history, art. I had passions. In my own desperation, I was a very passionate person. The other day, my sister said to me: you were my role model. That “were” really pinched my soul. I smiled at her.

I don’t know even why I am writing this all. Sometimes I feel I am incapable having a relationship with a man because I am not enough. Not, not enough for anyone but me. It’s somehow selfish. I don’t want to stop here now. It’s been six years now. I am 26 doing my graduation. But, I dream of that girl who wanted to change the world with the power of words, writing, poetry, films, and photography. My dream was that of becoming a writer and filmmaker…it still is. But I don’t have energies to follow my dreams. I am just an unhappy woman with her shattered dreams. But I don’t want to stop. There is no option. Yes or yes.

Advice I need: - how to come politically aware of what’s going in world?; - suggest me some good movies; - suggest me some books on philosophy/poetry/ novels?

Thank you for reading!