3 hours ago
3
I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I’m really just venting. I (28F) have been a late bloomer in terms of life, and as I slowly check things off of my list of accomplishments I’m finding that I’m not as happy as I thought I would be. I had a very unstable childhood with little guidance, and I was a very good student until I got to high school. No one at home cared about school and I was actively encouraged to drop out and get a GED so I can start working. I stayed in school for the social aspect, but coasted by in terms of doing any actual worked because I just didn’t care or have the ability to plan for the future. I tried to go to college & dropped out because I just lacked the guidance. I eventually started having some mental health issues and struggled with anxiety & anorexia, which then led me to become heavily dependent on weed for several years. Shortly after COVID I was able to start turning things around, I met my boyfriend while he was in grad school and was able to get more financially stable and get my drivers license. I thought these things would make me happier, but it was very short lived and incremental. So then I had the goal to go back to college, which I thankfully got the chance to do about 2 years ago. I’ve gotten straight A’s this time around, but I still don’t feel very fulfilled or good about myself. I’m finishing up at community college and applied to some 4 years schools, which I thought would make me happy but I just feel dread. It’s what I thought I wanted, but I’m still so unhappy. My boyfriend works and pays the bills, which I am so grateful for, but all he does is stress about money. He works 12+ hour days and works three jobs and all he talks about is wanting to make a lot of money. He does not need to work the way he does, and he says he does it because he wants to progress in his career but he honestly just has the desire to buy and have really expensive things. So I feel so much pressure to just go into something high paying. I don’t even know what I actually want to do because my goals are just clouded by earning potential. I’ve always been interested in healthcare and fitness and nutrition, so I applied to some nursing programs. I know it would be beneficial to us for me to have a good job like this, but as I’m awaiting an admissions decision I just feel so much dread and hope I don’t get in. But if that’s the case what else will I do? I feel guilty that he is taking on the financial burden, and I know he doing it just so I can finish school. So I feel more guilt for not knowing what I want. But we’re stable. I have a roof over my head, I have food, we have the sweetest dog and I know he really loves me. But I just can’t help but feel so much pressure and unhappiness. Do I just lack the ability to handle responsibility? I just didn’t think my life would be this way. Before COVID I was applying to be a flight attendant, I always wanted to travel and be on the go. I also loved fashion and dressing up, and art and drawing. Now I just don’t really do anything. I do well in school and take care of the house but I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like a shell of myself. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I’m just ticking off boxes to get ahead in my career but I don’t even know if it’s a cert that I want. Is it supposed to feel like this? Maybe it’s just the stress of being a college student. It just feels so silly to still be in school at my age. When I think of the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see the way that my life would improve and understand that I’d be able to live a more authentic life if we were in a better financial situation. But sometimes it just feels like I’m living my life the wrong way and it’s too late to turn back without blowing up/ruining my life. How do I get to know myself again? I feel like I’m living on autopilot and things are just happening to me.
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