I have zero ideas anymore, I'm lost

I'm loosing my shit man.. literally I barley have the energy to write this. I can't sleep, I eat, I can't think, and I have no one. No friends because I don't trust people. My moms know what's going on with me. My family knows what's going on but they still. Won't reach out to me to check in. Why does nobody ever care or ever check in on me. Why do I always put forth so much more effort then anyone else... it's every relationship. I want to care less I want to turn off that emotion but I can't so I'll fight in th blaze of fire for people & I'm dumb because I always get burnt. I just hold on so tight in hope that things will finally turn out. They never do shit always hits the fan I don't get it? How do I always work my ass off for no turn out. I was so close to happiness that always happens then something really traumatic takes over and soils it all. The last 3 times I don't have it in me much anymore to keep loosing....I'm 29 ...I wanted to better my life but I keep getting stuck in trouble for reasons u don't understand I keep putting myself in situations that hurt me and I don't mean to at all I'm just searching to survive. I don't want to be here anymore I don't have friends, I can't make people love me and I live with Parasite I have hsv1 I don't care anymore. Judge me someone gave it to me idgaf anymore. I just am getting out of a DV situation. He never hurt me before but he did now were fucked. I don't see the point In continuing to life it feels the longer I stay the more life will punish me. I can't tell a therapist because I'll be deemed as a bad person incompetent mother all the works. I can't make anything in life better. I have a life sentence to misery so what's any more second of a point to be here. I swear if I hear someone else's life is harder WHATEVER my feelings are valid I'm I'm so much fucking pain I could fall out of my skin.