Feeling down because I’ve mostly failed at life and have no motivation to try anymore because it always ends up in failure

I had some early “accomplishments”, I finished a Bachelor’s degree, then I joined the Air Force, went on to finish my Master’s and an Associate’s degree. But then during a deployment, I went crazy and was medically retired. I had also got my pilots license (private pilot) before joining the Air Force, once I received a diagnosis in the military, I could not fly anymore, due to the medical requirements, so I lost my career and my pilots license, my whole identity. And the thing about my degrees is that they are not impressive, at all. My Bachelor’s was in Criminal Justice, my GPA was not great and my Master’s was from a for profit school, I had a great GPA, but I felt I payed for it. So I never really considered them accomplishments.

After my military medical retirement, I went on to work two jobs, the first my medical condition got so bad that the stress caused a seizure. The next one, was more promising, a career like job, where I was using some of the skills I attained in the military, but once again, my medical condition got so bad, that I had to resign, after three years. After that I’ve kind of gave up. I moved into a townhouse/condo and I’m living off disability currently. I have no friends and no motivation to try anymore…I’m worried no matter what I do my medical condition will get bad again and I’ll either get fired or quit. I get really bad delusions, paranoia and sometimes hear voices. I may be able to work like in a warehouse, where there is no/little social interaction and low stress, but that wouldn’t exactly make me feel good.

I’m 42 now. I feel like I’ve failed at everything. Even though the medical thing wasn’t my fault, I still see it as a failure. I see my degrees as a failure, I see losing my pilots license as a failure. I feel like a failure to my family, I feel like failure in general. I didn’t reproduce (which may be a good thing) but it makes me feel like a failure. I don’t have anything left in me to try anymore. I’ve worked so hard and it always ends up with failure, so what’s the point? I wasn’t meant to be successful or respected, or to enjoy life…the motivation to try anymore is gone.

The only thing I have now, is that I’m trying to learn guitar, but I’m also failing at that. I’m not good at anything. I may give up on it and just forget trying to be good at anything. I have no identity. I’m nothing, no one, and ppl view me as a societal leech. I’m not smart, I’m ugly, I’m short, I get all kinds of insults about my appearance, even though I take care of my body. Is it acceptable in my situation to just give up?