can someone give me perspective?

extremely mixed feelings about past relationship and religion

im 20f and me and my past partner 20m ended the relationship that lasted 1.5 years for religious reasons (both muslim and both believe that it is not permissible for us to be in this relationship without marriage etc) and the relationship was generally good and had its ups and downs, why do i feel so so weirdly? i miss him but also have this feeling that feels like all my feelings about the relationship are surface level and i feel ???weird?? but then again i miss him a lot and want him back in my life and we kind of made a promise to come back to each other’s lives when we are able to marry and im somewhat anxious about all of this because what if it turns out i didnt love him romantically in the first place? what if liked his love and not him? even though in the relationship i have some type of relationship ocd and i dont know if this is it as well. the relationship was stable generally but i had phases where i felt like he was just a friend and other phases where i felt so romantically full of him emotionally and mentally. i am also on the aromantic spectrum and im pretty bad at recognizing romantic feelings generally, its really hard for me to differentiate my feelings towards people. anyone has any idea around this? any experiences? any suggestions on how i can discover this further?

i cant imagine him with someone else as well but i keep feeling like i dont feel anything deep about this or that im feeling too deep, is this my brain trying to protect me from thinking of it and getting hurt? am i only attached but not in love? is this my religious fears and judgements towards my feelings that make me feel like this and block my feelings?