2 hours ago
1
I am well aware of how fucked up it is. I'm trying to save up and leave but it's seemingly impossible right now. I just wanted to list it somewhere other than my notes so I can hold myself to some accountability to make myself leave.
The thing is I want to detach so hard but I can't. I really have clung to all of these marvelous moments and idealize him even though I have changed so much for the worse in 2 years because of the things I hear regularly how I feel insane at times and how much I dislike myself now for even putting up with it for this long.
Took a break to not think about it for awhile
New one today : 11/26/2024 You know what I think yoyre borderline retarded I hate you You're unreliable You act like a child You should hear what everyone thinks about you
A analogy to explain to me what unreliable means by saying" if you're at a job and your boss says to get a project done and you say yeah I'll work on the immediately but you don't get it done.....
Keeps holding helping me over my head and saying I don't understand how stressful it is and said he's gaining nothing out of this relationship other than debt and something else I tuned the rest out after being fixated on the fact that he hates me and said I was gaslighting him a topic he brings up every argument
Today after a fight he brought me 60 dollars with a note , said he would fix the crv instead of work on his grandmas gave me zingers a fountain drink and pack of cigarettes and picked out a Christmas tree together Regret gifts He does this often
Last time it was a chiminea to stay warm outside
8/16 You know Xanax gives me rage
Kicked the door in and screamed don't lock my fucking door and got in my face to yell when I said please don't follow me please stop yelling at me (the reason i locked the door. My kids were across the hall and heard everything.)
8/16 Yells " sorry your mom's yelling and acting crazy" while I'm defending myself
8/15 I didn't come out here to yell at you I came out here to smoke so before you get defensive I was just smoking because i care about you and you're being a total bitch, maybe one day you'll understand that when you can care about anyone but yourself because my girlfriend is a selfish bitch
8/8 Well woulda been nice to know but hey fuck the guy who loves you and takes care of you.... Just run away and use my anxiety against me. I'm done worrying about you... You obviously don't give a shit.
8/8 I'm taking a Xanax and going to bed. The amount of anxiety you're purposely causing me is enough to drive anyone crazy. So hopefully you don't make too many more mistakes tonight and I hope you end up making it home at some point cause that's not how people who care about each other act just running away and partying withing letting the person who lives them know and then ignore their calls on purpose. Might as well try to get your money back for this weekend at this point because that's pretty fucked up how much you've shown me you don't give a shit about me tonight babe. Love you. Just really hurt and it sucks knowing you don't care either way.
7/19 Sorry I don't have the same luxury of sleeping all day idk why you have an attitude
I'm not going to ruin my life because of your sleep schedule staying up chain smoking all night(bs) just mad because I took a bath instead of giving you a hand job 7/9
Going to be out 20k when you move back to NC 7/9
Driving to decompress at night and chain smoking 7/9 when I've been coming hone after work taking a sleeping pill and going to bed
You don't care enough to say a single thing 6/20
Just because you want to be miserable and put yourself through it doesn't mean that I want to be miserable and not fall asleep somebody has to pay fucking bills around here right? 6/20
Literally you're going to regret all of these things , I know the real Courtney would not be this disrespectful , rude and selfish 6/20
And you won't even let me say anything 6/20 as I sit here quietly listening
I'm going to do my best from now on to not egg you on or feed into the arguments and I'll try to take the things you say with a grain of salt and instead of try to solve my problems I'll focus on yours for now and we can fix the issues i have once you are in a better state of mind. I love you and have a good night 6/20
I shouldn't have said go fuck yourself. 6/20
I just want to know you're safe 6/20
6/19 That was wrong of me to go tell you to fuck yourself. I'm sorry and I lobe you more than anything and all I want is to be able to do whatever it takes to help you get back to feeling good while you go through the med withdrawals and whatever else is causing this. So that being said I hope I see you tonight before I go to bed or at least you you're safe. I'm leaving to go to the bar and talk to Jordan. I'm going to do my best from now on to not egg you on or feed into the arguments and I'll try to take the things you say with a grain of salt and instead of try to solve my problems I'll focus on yours for now and we can fix the issues i have once you are in a better state of mind. I love you and have a good night
I'm only trying to focus on the positive right now 6/19
You ruin most days 6/18
Never say OK again 6/17
Don't touch my cigarette butt's I want them laYing on the ground 6/16
You're still out here 6/15
I let her know that sometimes you go to the gas station and are gone for 4 hours you're so unreliable 6/14
You can't communicate 6/14
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