Who am I? Long winded.

Tldr; probably not worth the read just a confused human that feels not so connected with the world around themselves even though everyone reacts positively to me(parentheses added because I felt a negative connotation towards myself during the tldr as I'm adding it in the middle of my post, made me sad to realize I have some resentment or negative views of myself and I can be cruel).

Title is a bit bait but also a question I feel I've struggled with so much. I wasn't sure the proper reddit to post this in, I'm not sure there is one. I'm not a particularly great writer, thinker, or producer. Producer may seem weird to add or somewhat unrelated and may be but for me it means my thoughts may not always corelate to the output through my body, be it words or other actions.

I apologize if this isn't a forum for write ups as I admit I've done almost zero research and have looked at almost zero post here, shame welcomed. I'm doing this for me mainly as to at least have a write up of my thoughts as I feel particularly clear ATM or the perception of clarity which is more than I often feel.

My name is Tyler, I'm a 27 year old male. (At this point I'm very tempted to use chat gpt to fix things that I've written because I'm a little self conscious about how much attention I paid in school.) I'm a 5' 8" blonde hair blue eyes guy, I say this often as an ice breaker because it helps me feel more normal. You have a 50/50 shot of my name being Tyler. Many laugh and I do too but why, it obviously not 50/50 but everyone knows a Tyler that's blonde basically in my head so it's my intro basically.

Some things may have come off as negative about myself and that's part of the confusion I'm sure. One thing I will say for certain is I know people, I grew up in all environments really be it dope houses, Christian houses, atheist houses, and confused and lose people like me. Not to sound so certain I know there are many more homes and examples of growing up both those are my first to my mind. I feel like a lost sole or soul, I can't determine if I'm real or just a shoe cushion, many people have a political home or cultural home or just happy(or content pushing along in personal goals). Some people may recommend religion or maybe mushrooms, my friends may even recommend just hanging out like old times, and all of those may fill a certain gap, but never fill THE gap

I was in a severe accident when I was in highschool. I was a pretty regular kid in my area, drinking and partying with a decent friend group.(Insert the rest of a normal childhood sorry) But after the accident I lost apart of me, I pulled me and one of my best friends from a bluff and passed out on the road according to the people who found us. I don't remember that happening or remember why I changed but I do remember how I used to feel before sometimes. I wasn't the most confident but I was a particularly funny guy, given I coped my way through laughter of mine and others through school making home not so bad or my ex home not so bad from the past. I say this because I ended up moving in with my best friend and his parents adopted me, they are my family and I would do anything for them if they asked. Because my situation may have changed I never changed my method of coping, I always tried to make others laugh and myself, when others laughed it gave me permission to laugh it off as well. I didn't figure this out through professional help but just through my own observations about myself. And if you extrapolate that enough we come to this post.

I feel like I'm extraordinarily good at people. I know what people like, I can make a group of people accept me quite quickly. Part of this to me feels entirely fake. I feel so fake sometimes saying things I know will make me come off as completely non threatening and then 10 minutes later I'm cracking jokes at others expense. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bully I'm very respectful and apologize and ask frequently if I have crossed a line. By now some of you have caught on, have you noticed some people who are always asking if they are good or if they did something wrong can often be kinda shady people? I say this because I feel like it's me. I'm genuinely only trying to be a good person, but sometimes I feel like I have people in the palm of my hand socially, they melt like butter to whatever I want. Im not saying that to brag I'm saying that because it's concerning me, am I a bad person? I genuinely want good from everyone but parts of me feel incredibly fake like I don't know who I am and sometimes I'm just being who they want me to be. Because I can act incredibly confident, say the words that are on people faces but they aren't saying. Weird things like this in a lot of my conversations just feel a bit dirty even though I'm not abusing people. Don't get me wrong I know a lot of hacking is about social skills and the same with sales. Which I have experience in sales but something about it feels inherently dirty and my hunch is because I'm not genuinely me or who I think is me or idek Im just lost.

Who am I, if I am anyone? Am I the person before the blackout accident and I'm taking it now? Or am I the person after the accident and faking it now? Either which way I see some type of faking because after the accident I quit talking to a lot of people, a lot of people wanted to know what happened and it was popular fo awhile in school but after that I kind of quit socializing. Am I faking being a social butterfly? Part of me feels this is true. Part of me feels like growing up in a broken childhood means I am broken. I truly don't know.

To be clear not really expecting reddit to give me an answer of who I am, as I should really seek more professional help as it's been awhile since I've had therapy. More so just a philosophical conversation with myself that maybe other people relate to and have some onsite. This serves as a rare clear moment in my thoughts process for whatever reason opening the reddit app and typing allow d me to access. Like I said, I'm not a particularly smart guy or a well read/studied guy so it's definitely all jumbled. If anyone made it anywhere near here, thanks I guess. Not sure what you could have gained personally but if your just in it to learn about a random guy on the Internet then I hope it was worth it. Love you!

Doing a lot of spaces here in between paragraphs as I feel fairly clear minded and I've just thought about this. I'm in a living relationship, part of me feels like if this is a lie that I'm living that a part of this confidence also kind of got me into this relationship, and some of the problems in the relationship stem from the weave of mind fuck I've listed above so I'm just saying I'm going to share this, in full, to my girlfriend as I want here to have an incredible understanding of my brain for better or for worse, because I can come off a lot of times as being totally having it under control or not being anxious ECT ECT ECT.