What in life ACTUALLY matters?

Coming off a winter cold, just got stitches on my finger, chronic pelvic pain, quitting my job selling UHC insurance plans (the Luigi story was icing on the cake I needed to finally quit), asshole drivers everywhere who don't care if they cause you to die rather than let you merge. People just suck. I never went to college because I got addicted to drugs instead. I'm 32 and almost two years clean now. Thinking about going to college but also fighting with being cursed with realism and self awareness. What does any of this matter? I've gone down rabbit holes of religions, spiritual books, meditation, twelve step meetings, ad infinitum. Losing faith in life, humanity, and myself. I think the only reason I don't dive off the deep end is because how much it would destroy my mother. Apathy, nihilism etc plague my thoughts and emotions. Single, no luck with the ladies because I can't stand the materialism, social media, self absorbed, surface level interactions. I've been in recovery for ten years with some lapses. I know/have learned how community, serving others, loving friendships, hobbies etc gives all of this meaning. But I'm still struggling to believe any of it. Media cares more about a rich ceo than dead kids because big pharma and insurance companies are their biggest donors. Does anyone have any light to offer in this darkness? Thank you.