2 weeks ago
17
My girlfriend (28) and I (M31) have been together for over 2 years. We met in my country and later moved to her country where I speak the language fluently and have lived in this region for the better part of a decade, so despite being from two different countries/ cultures, we immediately meshed quite well even initially (we moved in together on the first date).
I've never been the jealous type and have only had 3 serious relationships up to this point: my first girlfriend, my ex-wife, and my now girlfriend, who is pregnant with our child. Apart from those I have had dozens of casual encounters that we just hooking up during my college and early professional years, with the occasional FWB here and there. I've always been more laid back about this and if someone is not interested or wanting to fully commit, it's their choice and I'm not going to be jealous about their own wants/ desires. What gets me is when in the past more regular FWBs or serious relationships would lie or deliberately obscure the truth, whether due to apprehension about my potential reaction or because they were in-fact lying/ unfaithful.
I have never cheated on any of my serious relationships emotionally or otherwise as this does not meld with my fundamental value system of integrity and respect. I have also been completely open with all of my serious relationships/ FWBs/ hookups letting them know how the cards stand and what I am interested in. I have never been broken up with before, not saying it as a badge of honor, just that I have always been the one that ended things for one reason or another, so I don't know what it feels like to be broken up with.
As mentioned, I've spent the past few years living in her country, have gotten to know her parents (wonderful people), her friend and professional group, etc. From the first date really we just kind of meshed and found each other's company quite complementary on many different levels: physical, intellectually, same value structures, etc.
I've never asked about her past or exes and she has not asked about mine, as we just never really cared and didn't present any issues or come up much if at all in conversation. I'd say in all other facets of our relationship things are excellent including communication, sex life, finances, complementary careers, etc.
About a year ago, a mutual acquaintance we later found out was attempting to suck me into a ponzy scheme, and when I let them know that my girlfriend and I had discussed and that it would not be a viable investment option for OUR family, they went off about her and dropped the names of two of her exes, both of which are semi-prominent public figures and also happen to be brothers. Their infantile manipulation tactic was to isolate me from my girlfriend in a foreign country, become my confidant, and trying to steal as much of my money as they could, which directly makes me mistrust any claims they made about anything (she was meeting him in secret, cheating on me, "run-through," etc.).
All that my girlfriend had really revealed up to this point about her past was that she never had a public facing relationship (her friend groups had independently confirmed to me she had never "dated" anyone before). Additionally, she had not ever given off a promiscuous vibe and was more of a "good girl" type that early on stated she "did not date people," and if we were together seriously or public facing she would want to marry and have children. She had only had FWBs up to this point, all of which had been her bosses.
At the beginning of our relationship we had a condom break, and she proceeded to reveal to me in bed that she had miscarried one of her exes' child, and what a terrible person they had been when she revealed the pregnancy, told her to f**k off and abort it. She ended up miscarrying in the office where he was her boss.
She had invited him to a barbecue earlier on when I first arrived in the country at her parents' house under the auspice that she needed the guy to help her father with a legal concern, but failed to mention that he was one of her former bosses with whom she had a relationship, and whose child she miscarried. By the way, I want to reinforce the fact that I have truly not ever been the jealous type, she has had male friends, and we have never once had this issue arise. When I think back to this day I realize she was standoffish with physical affection with me around him and had spent a lot of time that morning getting ready and doing her makeup. Yes, it makes me feel like a fool in retrospect.
It was this ex during the whole time and right before we got together that she had also actively been commenting and liking posts on social media, texting, and quite blatantly even on public facing social media trying to win the attention from by offering to go for a walk with our dog, assist with a request he had posted online. She posted a selfie with the dog just revealing her lips and the dog face, I'm not blind and have had plenty of FWB's who likewise would communicate with me in this playful flirtatious way. His public request she was also standoffish about and really I feel had been trying to do herself, again as a means by which to interact with him and gain his attention since, to him it was clear she was nothing more than his annual rotation of young 20-something interns.
When I asked her about this the same day the acquaintance revealed the identity, we were sitting in bed and she kind of had an "oh s**t" moment when I just told her exactly what had happened and how the acquaintance had said she was cheating on me with him. Of course, I don't think this was the case based on his known intentions, however, it has left me rubbed the wrong way even a year later. It's not that she had this relationship or that anything happened, but how she actively hid it from me and continued the communciation with him the way she did during our entire relationship.
The topic is unable to be broached, despite our otherwise stellar communication including never really even getting into arguments. She basically says to me, "I chose you. This is not going to work for me if you keep brining this up."
She denies that she had anything other than the intention of having him help her father, but the way she went about this is quite painful and devastating to me because she omitted the truth on purpose, and it's still not blatantly clear to me why because I would not have cared. I feel in my gut that there is more to it than she has let on, especially due to the fact that now she does not interact with him on social media anymore at all, nor do I ever see any more messages pop up from him in passing. I'm not reading her phone, never have violated her privacy in any way, but I'm talking about when you sit in bed scrolling you will show people your phone and notifications pop up for example. I'd seen his name before but never since then has it appeared.
Why would she cut off any social media activity with him after this happened, if in fact there was nothing to it? Why will she refuse to discuss it further and immediately become defensive when I calmly broach the subject, flipping immediately to something out of left field to accuse me of doing wrong? I'm not ignorant to this form of emotional manipulation and it saddens me to see her employing it as I get the feeling it means she doesn't want to really discuss the issue honestly with me.
I feel like I've been played like a complete fool, and that for a large portion of our relationship she's kept me with this guy as an option on deck, whom she likely was texting the entire time and god only knows what. On top of that, they live in our city as semi-prominent public figures and I have to run into them infrequently.
Additionally, all of her friends who knew about it the whole time I can't bear to even see or be around now, as I am certain they look at me as a complete fool as well who was to be the stupid idiot ignorant of what was happening. One of her girlfriends I know was laughing all day long with her husband about the stupid foreigner not knowing the truth. As you can see, yes this brings out feelings of jealousy and insecurity in me that I really do not like to feel, as I've never had this occur in my life really before like this, and I am not sure what to do anymore.
I have his phone number and want to invite him for a cup of coffee to ask what the hell had been going on since I understand I will never hear the full truth from her, but I am worried I will not like what I hear from him. I've pictured even meeting him, and getting him to write her a note to ask to meet and see if she does it and doesn't say anything to me about it.
How do I resolve this other than asking her directly, again, for the third time, which I certainly do not want to do during her pregnancy to add any unnecessary stress. I think about it pretty much daily and get in a very bad space mentally when I do. I've also played out the scenario in my head of asking her to show me her texts with him. If they're deleted if/when I ask her to show them, what is/ has been really going on?
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