2 months ago
28
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Being homeless in America isn’t glamorous, but it sure comes with some weird perks—like becoming an expert in people-watching and learning the fine art of hustling burritos.
One morning, I woke up on a park bench feeling unusually motivated. (Maybe it was the squirrel staring at me like I owed him rent.) I grabbed my trusty cardboard sign and decided to switch things up. No more “Anything helps” nonsense. I wrote:
“Will roast you for $1.”
Let me tell you, it was a hit. People lined up like I was selling concert tickets. A guy in a suit handed me a dollar, smirking. “Okay, hit me.” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “You look like the kind of guy who claps when the plane lands.” The whole crowd erupted. Easy money.
Then, Karen rolled up in her minivan, holding a Starbucks cup the size of my face. She handed me a $5 bill and said, “Bless your heart, sweetie.” I couldn’t resist. I smiled and said, “Bless yours, too. That venti caramel macchiato looks like it has more calories than compassion.” She froze, then laughed so hard she gave me another $5.
By lunchtime, I had enough cash for a deluxe burrito combo. I strolled over to my favorite taco truck, ordered the works, and sat down on a curb like I was royalty. Just as I took my first glorious bite, a pigeon landed next to me and gave me a look like, “Yo, you gonna finish that?”
“Back off, Steve,” I muttered. Steve and I had a complicated relationship. He respected my hustle but clearly wanted in on my earnings. I threw him a tortilla chip as a peace offering.
Later that evening, I decided to upgrade my sign game again. This time it read:
“Bet you $1 you’ll smile at this sign.”
It worked too well. A cop pulled up, grinned, and said, “Okay, funny guy, where’s your permit?” I smiled back and said, “Permit? I thought this was a free country.” He laughed and let me go, but not before giving me a coupon for a free donut.
And that’s how I became the unofficial mayor of my corner. Homelessness isn’t a joke, but if you can’t laugh at life, what else is there? At least I’ve got tacos, Steve the pigeon, and a better sign game than most ad agencies.
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