2 weeks ago
15
Hello Reddit,
I’m reaching out because I’ve decided to try something new, to share my feelings, perhaps just here to vent. This will also provide a bit of insight into my personal life, maybe I could also use some outside perspectives. My relationship with my mother has always been strained by our differing views on religion. Religion was introduced to my mother around the time I was 9, which she quickly took to heart, I attribute it to her lack of coping mechanisms for the challenges she faced. She needed something in her life for support.
My dad travelled for work a lot when I was younger, maybe once to twice a month or so. I am usually left with my mother and she does her best to make sure I studied hard, exercised and my grades were good. She was a tough teacher, I am not the smartest and there was once when I failed to understand my school work, she threw the textbook to the attic, I was maybe about 5 at the point and remembered crying as I climbed up on a ladder I was terrified of while she ignores me vacuuming the floor, all I wanted at that point was to try and get the book back to study and understand it. She also at one point got so frustrated with my lack of understanding of my school work that she repeated chopped her cleaver at the sides of the door shouting at me. When I was around 7, she told me she has been to the doctor and that the doctor told her she has only a week left to live and tells me that I will have to contact her side of the family in Taiwan. I was too young to understand the significance of that statement. It was only later that I understood she meant to end her own life.
For my whole life, I only really had 1 true desire that I can finally sleep in peace and not need to worry about anyone, and having myself feel safe physically and emotionally. When I was a kid, I told my parents that I would like them to be by my bed as I fall asleep. But every single time when I tried, I only became more awake and I had to pretend to fall asleep so they can leave and rest. I had problems as a kid to fall asleep, and many nights I resorted to go to the study room and pretended to read and study, I would frame my hands above my eyes with my elbows on the table and try to nap so she cannot see what I am trying to do. My deception was purely not wanting her to be more worried.
Now back to when I was 9, she found God and brought me to church, I did not know any better and I am honestly just happy that she seems ok now. I followed suit and became religious, using it to explain all the answers that I crave. But as I matured, I found myself moving away from religion as a whole as I have my personal insights about the human condition. This shift has been a significant source of conflict between us, particularly because my mother views her religious duties as superseding our familial bond in some ways. The crux of the issue is that she has repeatedly violated my trust and personal boundaries in the name of her beliefs. She constantly framed it that I am being irrational and it is unreasonable for me to feel this way, and the problem lies with me unable to see her love for me.
For example, as a teenager, after I explicitly expressed my rejection of religion, she would come into my room at night while I was asleep and force my hands into prayer. I know I was already grown up and a teenager at that point but I was afraid of confronting her, I was always wide awake, I am happy she cared to visit me in the morning and that she loves me but I am deeply disturbed by such a violation of my autonomy. She also secretly mixed health supplements into my food after I had declined to take them, justifying her actions by her intent to do what she believed was right, her refusal to acknowledge the fault in her actions was profoundly disturbing and disappointing for me.
Actually come to think of it, she has always believed herself to be right, the only thing she ever apologized to me for was that she was sorry that she did start me on religion earlier and raised me the way god intended. I have never once blamed her, in fact I told her that I am happy with the person I am now, and it would not have been possible without what I have experienced in the past, I thank her for her love and raising me and I still love her as I did. Recently, I confronted her about these past actions, explaining how she betrayed my trust and made it difficult for me to feel safe and respected in my own home, let alone trusting anyone at all. Her response was that if given a chance, she would do it all over again because her actions were guided by her responsibility as a Christian, which she places above everything else. She told me as mother and son, I should not mention terms like human rights or have my freedom to choose my life be respected, she is my mother and she needs to 'guide' me.
Sometimes I think a part of my mother actually died when I was young, and what kept her going is the promise of eternal life and salvation. Before she was religious, I still remember the tender moments when she held me and consoled me when I was sad, those were pure true moments that I forever hold on to. However ever since her conversion and my eventual rejection of religion, whenever I needed emotional support, she would be like a shark smelling blood in the water and tell me to turn to god. So I have learnt to not talk about it to anyone, and deal with it myself because weakness is a luxury that I cannot afford to have, I do not want to be disappointed by my mother’s attempts to save me again when I felt I needed support. I guess predictably, I grew up an angry teenager with intense rage and no one I will talk to, I decided to embark on my search of true strength.
To give you some perspective of how much of a coward I was and how I was afraid of everything as a kid, even the lane lines in the swimming pools I would imagine as terrifying hammerhead sharks, when she made me swim 2km a day. I can still remember the paint stains on the wall in the stairwell resembling a monstrous humanoid figure with the scent of decaying Chrysanthemum flower when I run up 100 stories as part of my training. So my first solution in my search of true strength is to face and eliminate all fear, this took me on an incredible journey that spanned over 2 decades to get to where I am now.
I will not go into details because it is 20 years. But in short when I first started, I thought being strong is about extreme physical and mental endurance, meaning I will never surrender in the face of suffering or pain. I pursued that route for a few years causing lasting and chronic damage to my health fighting in combat sports, I was not good enough to turn pro even after years of diligent training, 21 hours on average per week focusing on all aspects, technical and physical. If anything that is perhaps a blessing in disguise that I got hit so hard for so long; that one day I had trouble articulating the sentences and words in my brain. That told me to stop. I began to look inward for strength instead of proving it to myself through physical feats.
As a young adult my goal was to cultivate an indomitable will to face the challenges of life. I eventually came to a realization that true strength is beyond that. What I have been doing was in vain, the relentless pursuit of strength through proving myself because I am fearful of being weak is itself a paradox. Now at 35 I came to the conclusion now that true strength; is when I can accept and see myself for who I am and be at peace with it, and live an authentic life of which I do not need to prove myself to anyone, including myself.
This year, a life changing moment for me was when I comprehend how much I have changed since then. It was cold, foggy, raining and with winds howling, I decided to hike up the mountain to the cliff and look for a window of opening in bad weather for my base jump. It was also my first solo attempt so it was a particularly meaningful, the journey up was almost like a meditation itself, when I was at the top, it was so windy that my phone almost flew out of my hands and I have probably less than 4m of visibility, my body temperature is dropping fast. At the point, I made a decision to turn back and jump another day, this was significant for me, because the old me would have beat myself up for backing down a challenge, but I had 0 guilt that day and I knew exactly who I am and I do not need to do anything to prove it to myself, I will just come back another day when the weather is better and that was it.
I have had so many adventures that I could not fully share with the people around me, I have seen, been at the edge of mortality and have accepted death as a natural part of life, and I made my peace with it. The last few years I have been starting to make arrangements, for the event if I were to pass or by completely incapacitated. Incidentally, my father is facing rapid mental decline the last 2 years, he is almost childlike at times with no memory capacity (less than a minute of retention). As I travel for my work, sometimes for extended periods of time, I am thoroughly surprised that I returned this year and my mother told me that my father has decided to convert to the religion as he has been attending classes and realize how much of a sinner he is, she also wants me to attend his baptism.
You see, what I care about now, is that my parents are happy, we all have to find meaning within our lives, so I will support them for whatever path they choose. I attended that baptism ceremony, and finally met the pastor my mother was obsessed about in this church, it was a strange feeling of profound disappointment. Who I imagined as a raging teen as the ultimate 'villain' is nothing more than an unimpressively superficial aging charlatan that even I cannot be angry about. The people needed him and he provided. I see the fervor in their eyes and how they eagerly put their money in. But hey, that is a small price to pay, because I have already understood the human need of religion in society and harbor no ill will towards it. If that makes them happy, I am happy for them too.
Now why did I digress? Well, now you know a little about me you can also understand why I may be worried that if one day I were to be unresponsive in the hospital bed, I do not want to be violated again, my mother told me that prayers have revived people from comas and I do not understand its power. I personally believe in causality, so my point was that if everything was already predetermined and its outcome already decided by a god-like entity, why would it decide to change its mind due to prayer? What kind of arrogance one must possess to believe that they can ask for their god to change 'one' event, since that will no doubt cause a ripple of unforeseen events, and if it is already foreseen then the prayers are not necessary since it was always part of the plan, that regardless of prayers or lack thereof it will happen. Anyway I do not want to go too deep on that is not the point of my post.
My mother insist that she will pray to god to forgive me and it was on me that I am unable to accept her point of view, and that she has basic human rights to express herself even if it means violating my autonomy, because she is still my mother and she has to do the right thing as a Christian as well. This has left me feeling incredibly isolated and disappointed, not that it is anything new. I understand that she believes she is acting out of love, but she cannot see the pain she has caused or the growth I have had as a person all these years. The only thing she cared about was that I have strayed from my path and one day I will comprehend the scope of my mistakes/blasphemy and seek forgiveness and be one with God again.
I only want to be able to one day lay down in peace and know that I will not be violated or have to suffer the incessant prayers while being physically unable to respond. Perhaps I am asking for too much. Right now I am in pain and a little exhausted. But I will keep going because I have to, I owe it to myself to live my life in a way I can be proud of, I am only sad that no one I care about will see nor comprehend it.
If you have managed to read this far, I thank you for your time, I wish you the very best in life.
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