Not able to accept the reality

I have been an avoidant. I didn’t know about all this earlier. I knew I had severe OCD but didn’t know about any other disorders. Now the main thing that weighs upon me the most is never being in a relationship.

In my whole life, 3 people showed interest in me romantically. One of them even asked me out, it was in my teenage and I don’t consider it as anything special, but at least I could have experienced teenage love, like I had a chance, but I lost it because I was so insecure back then, and I think I still am.

Whatever I was, and I am, the truth is I never had a relationship. I don’t know what romantic love is all about and, even having a few chances to experience it, I missed the opportunities because I didn’t know there was love inside me to give out to people and I never truly gave any importance to my desires. I didn’t chase anyone and believed it would happen on its own, but it didn’t because I didn’t put any efforts and when it came to me on its own, I avoided it subconsciously because I never learnt how to handle it.

This all! Everything just makes me go mad, and I can’t forgive myself for it, and I am mostly frustrated, which is affecting my work and my overall mental health too!!!