Just tired.

I don’t post ever. I usually tough shit out. But shit. Life is hard. I mean: one second you’re up and you don’t realize how good everything is around you. Then in a blink of an eye you’re counting your blessings and everything is negative. That’s probably normal. I’ve never ever felt this. The only thing that’s keeping me here is my daughters and the thought of my wife doing this alone. I love my wife. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And the thought of abandoning her just doesn’t work with me. But things are just out of my control completely(bills stress addiction etc.) I’ve approached this stage of my life many different ways. I’ve taken these years as a humbling experience. I’ve tried letting go and letting god take control. Idk if it’s me over analyzing but that does no good. I’ve tried taking matters into my own hands and making everything go right. But nothing goes how it should. I feel like I’m desperately trying to enjoy life and I wish I could pinpoint my issues. I just know when I wake up I want to call in sick every single day. NEEDING money is what keeps me going. I wish I was as motivated as others around me. The only time I feel peace is when I imagine myself finished here on earth. I’m no coward. But this is how I truly feel. Everyday life is adding up and I’m so close to my breaking point. Now please don’t take this as doom and gloom or trauma dumping. I hope this doesn’t fall into the doom and gloom category. I just have no shoulder to cry on. I’m the shoulder. How do I keep being the strong shoulder for my family when I feel this way. My daughters need a happy go lucky father figure. Not someone who’s ready to go to bed once he gets home. Im sorry for writing so much. I feel like my issue is personalized. But the logic side of me says everyone deals with this; it’s just life. Grow a set of nuts and deal with it. I don’t hope someone relates, but I hope someone understands and can help.