iam becoming someone i never wanted to be.

i feel like its all because iam stubborn. i fought against the laws of the things that can help me become a good person and become who my parents want me to be and who i want to be as a human, as a religious person, as someone who believes in a good life and a good world someday man..

i dont know but i would love advice

so i have this persona i always wanted to become and while i never really listed out who i want to be as a person on paper, here iam

i wanted to be this person who "broke the system" i wanted to be fun and yet still be smart and having perfect grades (i fought it by trying to do both but appearntly u cant have both..) i wanted to be this calm , collected person , i found interest in the latest trends these people with crystals? i dont believe in any of this as a religious person who truly has her own beliefs and i stick to them and iam proud to be muslim. but lately my relationship with god (generally) has pretty much been "yeah i believe.. but i dont pray." and that's disgusting. i currently do in fact cheat on tests because iam scared. but the guilt always eats at me when i do it, expect lately iam doing it too often and instead of guilt, i now dont feel as worthy as much, i basically go to write my feelings and thoughts but then go "shutup" in my head as in literally shutup , you're disgusting, what feelings??

anyways another thing is i have a dream. i have this wish i could maybe somehow save the world one day with it, its not easy tho. and now that i cant even stop myself from cheating on tests iam thinking "if i cant even study well enough and get full marks , how do i expect to acchieve such a dream?" who am i fooling?

appeartnly being a dreaming person who has hope and faith , who has "a wild imagination" and is optimistic about everything (even tho iam negative and i have anger issues and literally shout at everyone) , i tend to somehow find a good in everything but i've lived on to obsess with these qualities , going all "...i must be a good person-" IAM SO STUPID.

i gossip so much when in my head , being the perfect person i want to be for myself is i'd be so calm and collecetd and i'd NEVER gossip , i'd be the good i wanted to see in the world but guess what iam also selfish. i usually think oh yeah iam the good person here because NO i dont wnat to hold grudges and stuff, i want to have a good relationship with everyone, and it upsets me if ANYONE is upset with me , iam senstive and highly emotional and that stuff matters, i see myself as a good person that way BUT THEN i notice that i DONT wish people well deep within.. and that kinda shocked me.

i hate hate hate music for the stuff it does to me, i wish it would burn.

its so addictive and oh i daydream WAY TOO MUCH

i have a whole other life there that FITS my comfort zone. and surprisingly she isn't anyone who i'd want to become irl???? she's an actor and a singer and stuff that ISN'T EVEN WHAT I ASKED FOR IRL BUT IT NOW AFFECTS MY REAL LIFE , I find myself living in my head not even a percentage of the day but probably ALL. THE. TIME. u see me writing this rn?? yeah i just imagined her doing that instead, right before i pick up this i was doing it AND I'LL DO it later too.

there's so so much more i can say but iam just hoping atleast 1 person makes it to the end.

iam so done.