I wish I've stayed emotionally numb because I was essentially dead

And what I've come to realize is that being dead is better than being alive. In the novel 'Better Never to Have Been' by David Benatar he talks about the asymmetry of the amount of pain and pleasure one experiences in life. in the book there are 2 scenarios, Scenario A ( X exists) and Scenario B (X never exists). In scenario A; X can experience pleasure in life which is good but can also experience pain which is bad, but in Scenario B X is absent of pain which is good and is also absent of pleasure which is Not bad.

Of course this only applies to people who've never existed, it wouldn't be 'not bad' if the person exists. But still Looking back I'd have preferred being in an emotionally numb state where nothing really gives me pleasure but nothing really gives me pain, I was essentially dead and while I was basically suffering living being emotionless for nearly 3 years all I experience now anyways is mostly pain mental pain so I'd rather take the suffering of feeling nothing over the suffering of feeling pain (past me would think I'm crazy for saying this but hind site is 20/20) . My point is that in some cases its naive to think that no longer being emotionally numb is beneficial, Your brain made you numb for a reason and thats to protect you, in my case it would have been better if I'd have stayed numb and dead because now I'm alive and hurting.