I want to spend Christmas alone, by choice!

I have extremely weird contact with my family. I love them, but there’s so much toxicity, I’m always having a break down after visiting them.

To avoid all the Christmas drama (which is huge in my family), I’ve decided to spend Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family, only to then realise, that I really dislike Christmas in any form. I’m quite conflicted, because I feel like I’m disappointing everybody, also I don’t have enough courage to explain to them my weird desire to just be alone. Eventually I lied and told everyone I’m having a tonsillitis and I’m going to let them know tommorow if I feel better.

It sucks, because I know that people deeply care about Christmas and spending time together. Unfortunately at the moment, I don’t feel like I’m capable of sharing this feeling.

What would you do? Is it better to sacrifice my own “sanity” or go with my gut?