20 hours ago
7
Mid-November I (24F) quit my first full-time job after working 6 months. I was incredibly burnt out, working on average 10 hours a day, sometimes working until 2 in the morning. After I quit, everyday has been a battle. I wake up at 2 in the afternoon everyday, sometimes making myself go back to sleep because I don't know what to do if I get out of bed. The first month I really could not do anything, even brushing my teeth, but now I'm getting better - I'm able to get up, shower frequently, cooking, go for the occasional walk. But I still feel like I have no purpose. I feel very empty/numb everyday. Nothing excites me. I've been working with a therapist but I feel like I'm not making much progress or the progress is not fast enough.
The time off and being able to slow down has allowed me to realize something important though, which is that I have never been intrinsically been motivated to do anything. Everything I've done so far in my life feels like they have been for other people or to fit society's mold. E.g., gym --> to look good --> to get validation from others; working as a tech consultant (even though I'm not passionate about this) --> seen as a top tier job in uni (BBA) --> get money, live in a high-rise = THE life. Even the way I act doesn't feel like me - for example, I try to smile / laugh more to hopefully appear friendly and approachable to other people, so that would have a good impression of me, even when I'm very tired, not amused. I'm afraid of displeasing people. Basically, I've never done anything that is truly me, and now I really don't know who I am. I've never had a hobby, something to orient me. I'm writing this post to seek help as I feel I'm wasting my life away scrolling on my phone. I'm desperately trying to get out of this pit hole, but I'm so afraid I will be stuck in it forever. I just want to have a peaceful and content life. Sorry for the mumbo jumbo - I guess it's a good reflection of where my head is at.
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