I’m ugly and want to improve

I’m very ugly, and want to improve my life. Yet, I know I’ll never be normal. What do I do?

This isn’t a vent type post; because I know for certain that I am. I am genuinely looking to better my life, if it’s even possible. Most people never said it to my face, but they’d talk about it behind my back. People’s tones and expressions change when I ask them how I look, even as if they’re lying to make me feel good. So therefore, unless people really DO think I look normal, I am ugly. I also have no friends, despite trying REALLY hard to make them. Yes, I was bullied, but most of it was covert, and kind of “pitiful” if that makes sense. Almost as if people were saying “you’re not like us, and you never will be; we will make fun of you, but we also feel really, really bad for you; I’m so glad I don’t look like you.” Basically, people saw me as the person they could say “well at least I’m not that guy” to, so they could feel a little better about themselves. Lastly, I don’t know if this is important, but a lot of people have thought I was “special” or autistic, which I do believe is because of the way my face looks/how ugly I am.

It’s hard to be “confident” when it leads people to believe you’re “annoying,” or worse, “special.” It’s hard to make friends when nobody wants anything to do with you. It’s hard to get ahead in when people either view you with scorn or pity; being shafted from jobs, opportunities, and generally being outcast from society. I guarantee you I’ll be working in a minimum wage position for the rest of my days, even if I go to college and get a good degree, as that’s the nature of being ugly (the only people I see in my attractiveness level are people that work at McDonald’s, grocery stores, stuff like that). But the kicker is that you’ll always have to work much harder for much less. People will be mean to you, you won’t have friends, you be a joke. People seem to remember me, too, but don’t like me. Again, I don’t need any more evidence to know if im ugly or not, I’ve seen all the signs.

I genuinely can’t relate to normal people or experiences because that just isn’t my life. Other people are “lonely sometimes,” I’m completely alone. Other people feel they’re “not the first option,” I never was considered (unless they’re looking to bully me). Friends, relationships, and normal social milestones/experiences seem so alien to me, and all my memories of them involve me being very outwardly and explicitly excluded. One of my “friends” had a mental breakdown that he had to sit with me at my prom table.

What would you do in my situation? I’ve tried all the “go to the gym” or “self care” or “therapy” bs. It doesn’t help; that’s for normal people. And as I’ve said before, I’m not normal. Do I just…accept it? Be lonely, sadder, and work a low-tier job my entire life? If I was even a little bit more attractive, maybe I’d be able to find a higher paying job, but sadly I just feel that because I’m “that” kind of ugly (as in, mildly “special” looking), I’ll be working at McDonald’s or something. Please offer any advice you can.