I’m turning 46 in a few days.

I’ve somehow lived 46 years on this planet, yet they have been deeply unsatisfying. I’ve gotten a college education that put me deeply in debt and never benefited me. I’ve never married nor found love. I found many jobs, but none of them have brought me lasting satisfaction or financial freedom. And I’ve written a great deal of stuff I can never publish without being sued for copyright infringement.

Now my body is rapidly falling apart. I’ve been to the hospital 5 times in the last 3 months and I may need a very risky surgery soon. I’m not sure I’m going to live to see 50. And what then? It’s not that I’m lazy or unmotivated—in fact, I’m very much willing. I’m just not physically up to achieving the goals I set for myself. And I’m worried I’ll never again be well enough to.

So why am I even here then? What use is learning from repeated failures when you’re not well enough to try again? I feel like on the day I die I’ll look back on everything I never did and everything I couldn’t do. So what’s the point? Why put me in this world if all I’m going to do is repeatedly fail, shrivel up, and die?