I’m not who I was supposed to be

I’m not who I was supposed to be. I’m 26 year old male who lives in the midwest currently, and my life isn’t at all what I imagined it would be by now.

I feel like I did my best, I made excellent grades in school, I attended community college and transferred to a university in honor society. But then 2020 happened and nearly everything I was working towards just fell apart. I ended up dropping out of college my junior year and moving back home.

Now, I’m a blue collar worker who does plumbing and I hate this stuff. I do good work and care about integrity, but I’m really only doing this for the money. I was an intellectual, who played in symphonies, who attended poetry readings, who attended theatre productions. I used to write music, poetry, non-fiction, fiction, etc. I used to feel alive. Now all I do is work, as I have no time to do a lot of those things (not to mention how I get made fun of by the people around me for doing those things). I’m destroying my body for what feels like, no purpose.

I have accomplished some things since college that I am proud of, but I’m nearing 27 now and I feel like I’m just losing time and I have lost myself. This isn’t who I was supposed to be, buts who I am stuck being. Most days, I wish I were someone else, because I really hate my life most days. And given the current state of the world, nothing is getting better anytime soon. Really, I keep going just because of my wife and my family, because I love them deeply and I know if they lost me, it would hurt badly.

Going back to college is impossible for me now, and trying to find work outside of my “skill set” in the trades is impossible. Even with 3 years of college under my belt, no office job or anything will even consider me. When they look at my application, I fear that all they see is some blue collar boy trying to be more than he should be.

I just feel trapped, and don’t want to live my life like this. What advice does anyone have?