I’m freaking sad as hell

Having an insanely difficult time (mentally&emotionally) at the moment. What’s it called when you’ve cut ties with your mom who has done insane numbers of irreparable shit and so now she has absolutely nobody in her life and emails you that she’s sad she has no family and is alone on thanksgiving and you’re worried she may do something to harm herself and you are deeply saddened by this yet you cannot bring yourself to reach out to her because for 30 years every time you’ve reached out it was the same goddamn outcome in which she pops off on all your shortcomings and inadequacies and leaves you feeling like fucking trash? What’s it called when you feel sadness and sorrow for someone who is terrible to you pretty much