I'm actually scared of being alone until I die (long post)

I've never really had a longterm partner before. I'm nearing my 30's and it just feels and sounds so weird to accept that I'm getting closer to that age bracket. I've always wanted a family, a husband-a normal life. But I have nothing figured out. I'm currently unemployed and living back home with my mom. I'm looking for jobs but the job market is really harsh. I feel like surrendering-checking out of life. l've been thinking about it more and more frequently. That feeling of true peace, and I don't have to partake in any of this anymore. That fact that I see more freedom in death than living is genuinely scary. The guy I loved, turned out to be a complete jerk. User. Narcissist. Never really liked me at all. Pretended the entire time but it felt real to me. I've struggl let him go, despite how awful and toxi the entire dynamic was. Turns out it's just a pattern for him, he's always been he's always been manipulative. However, he traumatised and psychologically destroyed me.

I don't feel the same, and I haven't for the past two years. I still try to contact him sometimes but he keeps rejecting me, doesn't want anything to do with me and acts like I deserved everything that he did to me. Idk what's wrong with me. The thought of him living the sort of life that I wanted with him sucks. I know it's selfish and that he should be allowed to choose. But I feel like I tolerated so much just to be discarded like I was nothing. I feel so stupid. For context, he did a whole lot of shitty things and admitted to love-bombing people so they end up liking him. He lied to me about so many things. One time, when I tried to cut him off and focus on my mental health, he saw my social media and that I was actually doing okay. He knew how insecure I was about my appearance and decided to anonymously message me: "UGLY BITCH, FUCK OFF CATFISH." I was so devastated. And I knew it was him. Nobody else would've done that. He was dumb enough to call me a week later randomly despite us not being in contact for over two months. He practically begged for me to answer the call, which I did eventually, and he suddenly started asking me why I made my account private and why I deleted all my pictures. I didn't tell him it was because of the message.

Eventually I did tell him and he denied it vehemently. He laughed about it. I fucking hate this person when I think about how much they put me through. I guess that fact that I cut him off for two months bothered him because he's used to being chased. He just had to get back at me. I also found out that he was sexting, exchanging nudes and maintaining multiple false relationships with Asian girls online. (Really weird, honestly.) But even after that, I forgave him and the entire cycle repeated with him progressively treating me bad. And I still stayed. I kept going back. And he kept coming back too. There's just so much more things that happened. It was a horrible cycle and it made me sick.

I guess he won because now I'm the one chasing after him, trying to get his validation that I meant something to him, but he keeps telling me to leave him alone, and that he genuinely dislikes me, and that he might actually hate me as a person. Idk I just don't feel the same. I can't seem to let this thing go. I can't seem to get a grip on my life. I don't know what's wrong with me.