I have been feeling many complicated things, I just want to be heard.

Whoever reads this, if someone ever does, I hope you get to understand me a little bit more. I removed the self-harm sections this letter originally had, in case you find a loophole, it was done in a haste.

I was just thinking about life and shit. It's... wonderful, how a friend of mine can actually have platonic love, one

I've only ever felt towards a few people, my current best female best friend, for example. And I'm not even sure I have, even towards family members, I don't know how that feels. I socially pride myself for being someone who cares and gives to people despite being "harsh" or "mean" to them, I feel those who know me feel that. But isn't my kindness just some selfish attempt at making myself feel better? I don't even know myself. and romantic love? that shit's been hard lately, there's this one girl I like, and I've liked her before, so it's not the first time. I've always known it won't work. She might be her, but I'm not him. and that pains me so fucking much, "I've never missed a target", I have, the only fucking one that was actually worth it. I'm so fucking scared of pushing her out of my life I never even got to aim, let alone shoot. My friendships have come and gone, the one's that've stayed I know they'll stay forever, I do. But I somehow still push them away bit by bit, like I'm not even making sense to myself anymore, I want only truthfulness and honesty but when I get it, I fear it? is it the fear of being betrayed? hurt? the fear of me hurting

someone that doesn't deserve it? I don't fucking know anymore.

I hate my fucking body, I try so hard every fucking day to just get a bit more muscle. Just so happens that this girl I like, happens to like buff guys. like, HAHA, how amazing. I'm skinny as fuck. She's not feeding any kind of insecurity, it's just I wish I had a bit more than what I do. I've always gotten women, that has not been a problem to me. Even now, I got suitors. I don't want them, I don't want anything. The only one that I'd risk getting into something with, is... impossible. Not just because of the fact that I'm not "him", but also because she'll eventually leave, and there's no changing that. A love dream, when was the last time I had one of those... I'd be dead already if it wasn't for the fact that I have a mother. I don't even care about the fact I was raped as a child, or how I accidentally killed my dog, the only friend I had at the time. I don't care about the fact that half of my family secretly hates me because my sister is a master at making herself the victim and feeding them poison, ironic how they don't even try to hear my part of the story and instantly get to judging me. As if didn't always stay neutral and objective, isn't it funny to always do what you want others to do for you only to get disappointed? I might not have tried to explain myself, but not because I didn't want to, but because I knew it wouldn't have changed a single thing. The only one that's been changing recently is my dad. But he's just another selfish hypocrite, my own fucking dad, so nice on the outside so caring on my face but so fucking fake. As if I don't know how to read people. I'll never miss a behavior, I'll never miss a glance.

I only fail when it comes to love, but even then, I pick up things I simply decide to ignore.

It's been certainly troubling lately.

I'd just wish I could put this whole letter into a song, but I don't even have that "talent", she does, she makes some really great ones.

I don't think she knows how excited and genuinely amazed I was at all her works, how I truly appreciated them, I truly did love them.

I hope it all works out.