3 hours ago
3
Hey guys, first I just want to apologize for this rambly emotional post, it's late, and im sleep deprived.
I did everything I was supposed to, I got that 4.0 gpa, I did all the Extracurriculars, clubs, community service, etc. Everything parents, teachers, authority said im supposed to be doing with my life, and I got a full scholarship to a t50 college. Why is there nothing good left?
My passion is film and literature. I love being creative, and enjoying art. It's the only thing that made life worth it because to me that's the only thing that was real at the end of the day, because it made me feel. These last 8 months of my life have been absolutely hell. Starting with applications, to scholarships, to interviews, to reaching out to show interest, scholarships, securing grants, etc.(ontop of my already numerous commitments) It has been 24 fucking seven. I gave up everything, friends, fun, literally anything I enjoy. My plan was to grit my teeth, go study English for 4 years, as ill very much enjoy it, then go to law school and power through big law. I can't fucking do it.
I can't do something I'm not passionate about for 70-90 hours a week, and that's best case scenario. Most likely you'll earn 60k a year for 60-70 hour weeks for years, and if you're lucky, you'll get that 225k+ a year in exchange for your soul; signing my life away. I want to live again.
In order to make sure i can even crack big law ontop of everything else I've been doing, ive been having to consistently check prospects and reach out to alumni to the various schools I've been accepted to, to make sure that it'll be possible there. I constantly have to worry about what's next. I cannot keep doing this, i need an end.
I haven't even played any video games since July. I remeber the last time I genuinely laughed, you know where you're with your closest friends and you're gasping for air wheezing, not the fake little signals you need to give to people, since October. All that's in my head is just work, and advancement. I was home for 4 days straight this week due to bad weather, and I had absolutely nothing to do, first time in months. I could not get of bed. I felt paralyzed. Finally today I got home from school and I broke down in tears. I cried for God knows how long, my temples pounding in a ringing in my ears. The first time I felt any real , deep emotion in what feels like an eternity. My mom (my parents are Asian btw) asked me what was up and I just straight told her I can't do law school because of what it requires out of a person.
I zoned out as my ears were still ringing but I made out "disappointment". I can't even talk to friends about this because now there's nobody left, I'm literally alone. I threw everything away for nothing.
All I have left now is a scholarship to a top school for fucking English. I absolutely adore the subject, and it's the thing I'm best at. I had strong soft skills; i was very persuasive, while still being able to incorporate purple rhetoric to tasteful amounts. I was great with people, and I loved people in general. I loved debating and talking politics with my buddies for hours on end on the weekends or just talking about life in general. But after this chronic stress I'm under, I've lost all of my creativity, I'm a paranoid, anxious shell of the person I used to be. I have no personality left.
The school i got into is called Villanova, in the greater Philly area. I sacrificed everything for that, not even remotely close to ivy league. The only possible benefit is that I can do english debt free, but i don't know how to justify it without law. English majors have terrible job prospects, as it's a "liberal arts" degree. Film would be even worse as that is basically exclusively limited to the entertainment sector which is impossible to crack into without numerous connections. So yea, I feel like i could before justify English as it's still something I truly love, but it would've led to something highpaying. And before someone mentions something, i absolutely do not want to go into teaching, i want to stay as far away from academia as i possibly can at this point. Being an english professor is nice in theory; get to teach what you love at a higher level, and do actual research and publish. But to teach at any respectable institution you need a PHD. And highschool teaching is, well highschool.
I would absolutely love to do the other prosepctive jobs an english major could have; techinical writer, copywriter, editor, etc. But these jobs fall into the same pitfall as with film: soley network reliant and unstable. So Now with law out of the picture, I'm left with directionlessness and having lost the little bit of life I had left.
It's febuary, I graduate in June. I think I'm actually fucked, and I don't want to end up homeless.
I once again apologize for this being completely all over the place, and likely very bitchy. But please, cut me a fucking break, I'm lost, scared, and very alone right now with nobody I can go to. I'm hoping people who've dealt with uncertainty can give me some insight.
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