2 months ago
29
growing up, i was around of a lot of religious people. our culture also really emphasized the idea of being successful, especially because our parents were immigrants. i think their home country always had a problem relating to selfishness and greed. along with that, i always had trouble interacting with girls growing up, and seeing other guys doing it always made me envious.
i think all 3 of these things — religion (or meaning), success, and maybe even love never really mattered to me at my core. i never cared about actually finding meaning, believing in god, it was only be because that was the expectation, and the fact that it appeared freeing. i never cared about money beyond being able to survive, i still don’t. i don’t think i ever cared about love either beyond getting the external validation that my parents never gave me.
it’s weird, and i reflected on this last night because i just couldn’t sleep, and i don’t understand how it took me so long to realize that not everyone needs objective meaning in their lives, not everyone needs romantic love in their lives, or money and success in their lives.
i’ve spent a lot of my life living very quietly and staying to the side, and i used to resent it. i used to think being an observer was something that was forced on me, but i think i actually like it. i like being detached, i like being free, i like not being held down by other’s expectations, by the hedgehog’s dilemma that plays in relationships, whatever it may be.
sometimes, i’ll read something, and only after a while will i realize how much it resonates with me. i read a visual novel a year ago — recommended to me, ironically, by the only girl i ever loved, and the main theme of it was to live simply, to “live happily” as one of the characters stated. there doesn’t have to be a grand meaning, i don’t need to find an answer, i don’t need to be successful, i don’t necessarily need to find love. there is no conventional path, and that’s okay.
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