Fading, waiting for a light..

I'm in a strange phase of my life right now. In my early 30s, I've lost almost all my friends, and I believe it's entirely my fault. I was in a beautiful relationship for nearly nine years, but I ruined it completely. I've hurt people emotionally, and though I’ve tried to make amends, they no longer want anything to do with me.

I really wish they could see how much I’ve changed over the past year—I’m not the person I used to be. But I don’t know what to do now. I feel completely lost. The things I once loved no longer bring me joy.

I know I deserve the anger and rejection, and I don’t feel worthy of love. Every morning, I wake up haunted by the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t expect sympathy, but I’m reaching out in the hope that someone might have guidance or perspective. Thank you.