Can’t get out of bed

Just turned 40 and having issues with my motivation dwindling to nothing. 6 years ago I was doing OK and moved to a new city to “really find my way.” After a 2020 pandemic, 2021 tornadoes, a 2022 hospital stay, and a 2021 and 2024 DUI, my business makes less than it did before the pandemic, I’m in credit card debt, I’m in medical debt, I have an autoimmune condition, I’m still living in a 1 bedroom apartment, I lost interest in going to the gym after my hospital stay, and now there’s no point getting out of bed. I beat myself up for whining, but at the same time, the last 4 years have been the worst and most expensive of my life. How can I be someone who’s worked 9-10 hour days my entire adult life, treat myself rarely, buy the cheapest everything, and still have no savings or property at 40? 10 years ago thoughts like that Fired Me Up to get out there and just work twice as hard … but nowadays I just want to curl up and go on welfare. I’m so scared that every time I try to make a big move, it just makes things worse. And I’m only about one more bad decision away from bankruptcy.

I have become the stereotypical bald, bitter, unmarried loser. I always thought I was too funny and too smart for that, but I haven’t had time to express my humor or curiosity lately. I never made time to make friends in this new town so no one knows me and I have no one to talk to but therapists, but I can’t afford therapy anymore. I walked away from my last two relationships bc I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough for them. I desperately want to finish school but I cant make the time or money for that. I want to expand my business but my industry has dwindled in this city and I want to move, desperately. I’ve built a life that doesn’t serve me at all. How could I let this happen? How can a middle aged loser with no hope get his spirit back? The artistic part of me that wrote stories and played piano and sang is left in the dust somewhere bc I’ve spent years dealing with probation officers and breathalyzers and paying attorneys and court fines and dealing with all the other grim shits in the court system - multiply that by two for all the HMOs and PCIPs that bounce me back and forth. I’m tired. I just want to stay in bed.