Death and why it’s hard for me to get over it

I’m 18 and got a somewhat long life ahead of me, probably till my early 30s (I believe that I’ll probably die by something stupid). But this doesn’t help me get over the fact that I will die, at the moment I can’t accept that grim reality, maybe I never will. Sometimes when I’m up late (like I am as I’m writing this) my mind wonders through everything then that one thought goes by, I then tend to get up from my bed and begin to scream saying things like “no no no no” “I can’t this can’t be I won’t die, fuck” while I start to cry a little. It’s been like this for aslong as I could remember like age 7, one time (I think 3rd grade) I get on the bus and then just looking out the window the feeling hits, I start crying maybe a little to much, kids start to ask me what’s wrong, I continue to cry. This has been such a nightmare to me that I truly wish I was never born so then I would not have to feel the pain of living just to die. I think it was Amil Chwen who had said “it’s not worth the bother to kill yourself, since you always kill yourself to late” meaning by the age of 5 we as humans grow a conscience. Most of us have memories of when we were 5-6 maybe some have even earlier, having a conscience is being able to love someone or more rather knowing of the people you love (there’s a lot more to it than that ofc I know but for this that’s the focus). To me, it’s much harder to die when u know of people that love you and when you have people that you love. So if I never lived I wouldn’t have to worry about dying. Now don’t think that I’m not grateful to be alive I’m glad that I’m hear. If I was never born tho, sure I wouldn’t know how great life is but I wouldn’t have to know how hard it is to leave it. I think thinking this way has made me somewhat of a cold person. I have a lot of “friends” and what not most of them are people I just talk to at school. A lot of the ones I talk to at school tend to have view I totally disagree with, they talk to me tho and I usually just respond with blunt answer so the convo doesn’t last long. A select few of them I talk to constantly and even hang out with. I wouldn’t say I’m introverted it’s weird really, I think since I have lived in a rural area for so long I want to live in a big city but I don’t really like people. I love nature and plan to live in the mountains of either Colorado or Washington, to write and do many of the arts I’m interested in. Anyways what I’m trying to say is I’m trying to distance myself from “loving” people or lessen the amount of people in my life. I like and hate people, I talk a lot and yet I don’t talk at all, I don’t know what I want to do with my few years on this floating cheese ball of a plant and yet I want to do everything. I just don’t want to die, even if that mean everyone else dies around me, does that make me a dick selfish. I have sacrificed a lot for family members and friends but am I selfish for wanting to live forever out living my own future relatives. It’s either I hangout with everyone and I love everyone and live forever or I love a limited amount of people and die hopefully happy and peacefully one thing that I know is I don’t want to die in a fucking hospital bed with loved ones looking down at me in my weakened state just let me die alone. I’ll ask one more time is that selfish not letting loved ones have a last word from me, to me it’s not rewarding to get a last word from a weakened loved one. I want to remember them for who they were for most of their lives not the last week. I recently had a close family friend die of Breast cancer she was in her 80s had a few kids and seemed to have lived a good life. The last I had seen her was her smoking a cig on a pull out chair with her favorite cat by her side I want to remember that. So in a way when I had the chance to see her just before she died I’m glad I had passed the offer saying that I was too weak to see her like that. I hope that she wasn’t waiting to see me bc then I would be selfish 100% . One last thing, I’m not religious. I believe that religion started with greener pastures, it was something that you could believe in it promised life after death. Which is great I want everyone to accept death I want to accept it. However due to thousands of wars and commercialism getting behind religion is getting harder and harder for each generation. Instead of helping people get over death it has caused many deaths and a sour taste in many peoples mouths. So no I’m not religious maybe if humanity had taken better care of the concept more people would be happy with life and would be excepting of death maybe I’d find a religion but I think even now it’s to late, I have to find my own way to handle death. I just hope it’s before I die randomly like in my sleep or having something fall from the sky onto me Thanks for reading this been thinking about posting something like this for awhile it took me a good hour to write. Thanks again and have a great day