being my own hell

for as long as i can remember i've always struggled with life. even as a little child i never saw meaning behind anything and often failed at school and friendships due to it. i've always had this "impending doom" kind of feeling lingering around which i realized is apart of depression.

now i'm on medication but i still have the same view, but i've come to realize that everything i've gone through, every suffering, gut wrenching sickening motion i've been through has been purely put through by myself. i create my own hell. i overthink, i feel sick over things that should not even matter. i hurt myself more than anyone else and it's so stupid. im so self aware yet i can't fix my own problems ? why ?

why do i, a 21 year old female, torture myself so much ? why do i continue doing so when i'm fully aware that the problems i have are purely made up by my ego ? why can't i just be normal, why can't i live a decent life ? i create my own trauma, overreact things and then end up feeling worse than what i should feel. i don't understand it and i'm sick of it. i think too much, i'm not good for myself and at times i'd rather not exist than live with my egoistic mind -- but i can't go, why ? because i fear hurting my mother which is sickening on itself. i am purely alive for others, that's no way to live. i don't feel humane anymore, i feel a shell.