Breakup. Lost. I want to feel less shitty and feel better.

This isn’t just a simple break up. He’s my boyfriend for 3 years. I broke up with him because he’s just so cold to me. He doesn’t want me anymore to be in his life. He would ignore me for half a day doing his stuff like playing games and stuff—then he would message me like everything’s fine. So, I broke up with him. I feel so insecure about myself so much, that I feel like I don’t deserve anything, judging the way he treats me. He’s my first bf.

So, after our break up; I sorta feel like I’m free. I would occasionally miss him, especially when there’s something that reminds me of him. And crap. I thought to myself that I’m fine, I don’t need anymore—because that’s how I feel. I just don’t feel anything to him anymore.

I decided to focus on self love. However, I find it really hard. Here’s how things got so freaking messed up.

I invited a friend of mine (a girl) for some company; and guess what. We..let’s say…made out. It felt so wrong. Although, we decided (me and the girl) to just brush it off what happened, but I feel so empty, ashamed, and useless rn. I’m straight and it’s just so wrong that we made out because of my religion.

Thinking about my next relationship—should I tell them or should I keep it a secret? I just feel so ashamed of myself.

And now, I do everything my ex-boyfriend doesn’t like. I post some revealing pictures of me. I talk to multiple guys. I slide to random ppl’s dm like.

This is not me. I feel so lost.