Advice

(Context I am 19yr male welder makes decent salary doesn’t really have family ether past away or decided to leave me no dad )I am just tired of everything I do feeling so pointless. I don’t know why I am so different from everyone else. I try to be honest and truthful, even if it’s not what people want to hear, but no one seems to want that. I’m tired of losing people in my life—losing friends, losing family. I’m tired of people hating me for just being me. It’s been like this my whole life. I thought maybe I would get used to this feeling of loneliness, maybe learn to accept it, but I can’t. As I’ve gotten older, this pain has become more unbearable.

I’ve realized that nothing I do seems to matter. I feel like a worthless person who just gets in people's way without meaning to. I’ve tried everything to numb this pain—drugs, drinking, even relationships—but nothing works. These things made me realize something: I don’t deserve love. I see everyone around me happy, and when I see that, it reminds me of when I was little, when I felt nothing but anger and hate. And yes, that anger went away as I grew older, but I realize now that it’s coming back.

I’ve decided I need to leave. I need to do something that matters if I want to matter. So I’m planning to join the military and try to make something of myself. I just need advice on how to make it feel better