40’s slump?

38M, ~70k year job working half the year, 1 nine year old, 1 four month old. I was about to go to bed earlier but realized why? What’s the point? Why wake up early? To work out or write or work on my business? Why? Life will go on either way. 99.999% of humanity won’t remember or care that any of us lived. I don’t have my oldest son full time, my 2nd was an accident with a FwB I don’t love but lives with me. I’ve been trapped in my same small town for 15 years b/c my oldest son is here. Now seemingly I’ll be trapped for 18 more. My only real joy is my oldest son and he’s hitting the pre-teen stage hard. I started getting back in shape this year and cut drinking but…why? I feel better, but what’s the point? I could just work 2 weeks a month and sit on my couch the other 2. I sometimes feel like life is really overrated and I just wait for it to end. I don’t believe in an afterlife, I think it just goes dark, like sleep. It’s drudgery. I can’t live the life I want because of the commitments I’ve created. I can’t die because of the lives I created and owe. I’m resigned to slowly shrink. Drinking of life when I can, but it’s grown bitter. And I’m bitter. Angry. Tired. Dissolute. Unfocused. And disgusted with myself. I’ll fake being the kind of man I want my son to grow up to be until that too falls empty in a barren wood, rotted. Eventually I’ll disappear, alone, on a boat and find peace and my end.