You don’t need to forgive someone for their cruelty to let go

There’s this widespread idea that forgiving people who’ve caused intense pain or suffering is the key to moving on. It’s the notion that holding onto resentment only hurts the victim more. But for people who’ve been controlled, manipulated, humiliated, and eroded by narcissists or abusers, the road to healing is rarely that simple. It can take victims years to process the damage, and to rebuild trust in themselves and others again.

As an example, it’s always struck me as bizarre when you watch court trials after the most horrific crimes, you hear victims’ families saying they “forgive” the perpetrator. To me, this feels more like an expectation that forgiveness is the end goal – and it awards the perpetrator some sort of validation. Their actions get folded into some neat little narrative of “understanding and growth.” But the truth is, some actions aren’t understandable, let alone forgivable, they’re just cruel.

Sometimes the most authentic thing to do is to simply accept they were awful and move on. Forgiveness isn’t an essential piece, it’s optional – people need to do what makes them feel whole again. Resentment isn’t always some poisonous emotion , especially in the face of real harm, it’s a natural response.

Has anyone else healed from malicious people without the need of forgiving them?