Worried I messed everything up.

I'm 27. Turn 28 on Monday.

Been in for a decade of adult life and I've managed to put myself into debt (about $500) And get behind on taxes ($unsure)...

I lose every job I get. Ruin almost every relationship with everyone ever eventually. I satisfy myself day in and day out, playing way too many video games, watching movies and shows (sometimes illegally) as if I'm a functioning member to society, judging people's faults when I'm not even putting in effort myself, I got into extreme porn that has broken my innocence, and then I put on a mask in front of everyone so that they don't see who I am.

I've manipulated people into relationships only to have my faults bite me in the ass, because they're not the actual foundations of the person I manipulated them into believing I was.

I can't hold a job longer than a few months, I don't put focus on anything unless it's helpful to me, and I take full advantage of my parents not wanting to throw out their child, isolating myself in my room a majority of the time, using the Internet they pay for to satisfy myself until the next thing happens.

Then I slandered my parents, because I was angry with my own shortcomings, I called my mom a bitch, because I blamed her for not being enough, for not helping in a "better" way, for not building a stronger foundation. I made my dad feel like a worthless father when he was there the whole time.

But it's me who's not enough, it's me who wasn't strong enough, it's me who dismissed everyone around me.. I'm living in my parents house still (yes even after calling my mom a bitch) and they've tried to help this whole time, but I was too self absorbed to see it and continued down the wrong path, thinking they were being neglectful the whole time.

I've been living selfishly for almost 30 years. And I feel like such an ugly evil scum bag for how I've turned my life into my own personal kingdom, with a complete disregard for the efforts of humanity, the systems in place, or the morality that makes us equals. I sit in my room watching porn and playing video games, not making any plans, and my parents are working every single day to pay for the house that I'm doing that in.

I don't have any self accountability. My parents have tried charging rent, but even knowing the pressures of what could happen, I fail (while selfishly continuing the above atrocities). My parents end up pushing back the goal posts a bit, giving me time to recharge, hoping I'll figure it out and go back out again.

I managed to take advantage of every aspect of life, I'm a criminal and have satisfied myself in unjust ways. I fear it's not about the passion, having this realization is actually fueling me to be better.. but now I fear it would be wrong.. I feel like I should be imprisoned or killed, not given the chance to redeem myself, I've spent 30 years forming a monster, creating a mind that lies and cheats everyone and everything. I will admit. I'm questioning if I'm worth it. I'm worried this isn't a slump, I'm worried I messed up my mind and it's irredeemable.

I blamed everyone but the one in the mirror and it might have costed me my life