wasted potential trapped in a vicious cycle

Going to to be 30 soon and I have ruined my life in pretty much every aspect imaginable for the last 10 years. Health, relationships, financials, career - everything.

I lack self discipline which results in a massive lack of commitment and focus which severely ripples into my ability to do most things. This results in an overwhelming feeling that I cannot for the life of me shake no matter what "wake up calls" I get.

This results in anxiety/paralysis which causes me to smoke weed and play video games an unhealthy amount just to disconnect from reality which in turn affects the people around me .

I move with good intentions and I know where i stand as a person but I find that I put myself in self destructive situations naturally and when things are going good I sabotage it. Once they are sick of my behavior I become resentful as a result which has caused me to act in ways I wouldn't if i didn't feel backed up into a corner.

And I constantly put myself in that corner.

I do not justify any of my actions and i take full responsibility for it but it is completely out of character and motive. It doesn't serve me and i'm aware of it - i'm disgusted by it.

I have so much potential and I know if I could overcome this cycle that I could finally mature and grow into an adult.

I feel stunted and i know there's more I have to give to the world but It feels impossible and no matter how much self help or intellectual shit I try to force feed myself it's just another distraction from the fact that I'm not acting.

And then when I act I can't focus and so it repeats. Chunks of time become a blur and I become frustrated. Everything is flight or fight. I'm combative for the dumbest shit.

I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I've been more productive in the last week than i have in the last year by far because I can't even stomach playing games and I don't have enough to buy weed. So now everything is catching up to me and I deserve exactly this rush of emotion for completely withdrawing from my relationship. I allowed us to become strangers in the same houshold and pushed away the last person that saw that light in me. And now i feel like that's gone.