There's no place like...home?

Earlier today, my 23-year-old son called me practically in tears. "Dad. I've been sick all morning and I think I have food poisoning. I just need somebody to take care of me. Can I come home?" I did a quick workup over the phone to see if he needed to go to the hospital instead and let him know he could absolutely come home. My wife prepared a hot bath, I made chicken broth, and we made sure the guest room was cozy and the bathroom nearby was clean and prepared. It's easy for us to do these things. But it's not easy for me to fully understand home.

By the time I was 18, my mother had moved us around about 40 times. Struggling with borderline personality disorder, she was always running away or escaping some imaginary offense that always led to a new short-lived dream. I happened to be the kid who contracted a bit of her personality struggle and I moved at least 30 more times before finally settling down into the home I've been living at for 4 years. It's the longest I've ever stayed anywhere and while I don't have the depth of her psychosis, the moving part is a nagging itch that begs to be scratched.

Through all my life I've had this desire to go home. The problem is, I don't know where it is. There have been times I felt at home in certain places, but it was more than just a setting, more than longevity, and I can't put my finger on what made that possible. Maybe it was the times in my life I felt the most secure? I lived with a lot of fear growing up and had a lot of stuffed animals surrounding me like an army in my bed. Just earlier this week I had that craving to go home again without knowing what it is, and I thought about how lucky my boys were to not have to deal with that. I wondered how my wife, who lived in the same house all of her childhood, could call this place we live at now home.

Home seems to be that place where you can let your guard down and not worry about the responsibilities of life for a moment. It's the place where you can be cuddled and nurtured and never be afraid because someone stronger than you has everything taken care of and you admire them for that. It's that place where very little has changed and you can depend on the expected. I'm so jealous of all of you who have that. I stand in solidarity with those of you that don't.

I have a house. I have a wonderful family. I don't even have a lot of stress in my life anymore. For all the blessings I've been granted, I'm still waiting to go home.