The Weight of Endurance

I've been meaning to write this for a while, but it's been so hard to put into words what's going on inside me. The weight of this year has become too much to bear. It's slipping away so fast, and yet, every moment seems so heavy. I feel like I've lost so many pieces of myself as the months have gone by, losing people I never thought I would have to say goodbye to, watching them drift away like shadows. Each loss chips away at my heart, and I keep asking, what am I supposed to learn from all of this? But no answer comes, only more silence. I've been strong for so long, and now I'm just tired. Tired of putting on a brave face when all I feel inside is sorrow. Tired of convincing myself that I'll be okay when the truth is, I'm not sure if I will be. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am, how I'll get through this too, but what if I don't want to be strong anymore? What if I'm tired of carrying all this pain? I wonder, what is it that God is trying to teach me through all this? What lesson is there in heartbreak after heartbreak? I wish I understood. I wish I could see some reason behind all this hurt, but right now, all I feel is the exhaustion of having to endure, over and over again. I'm trying so hard to hold on, but it feels like I'm drowning, and the more I fight, the deeper I sink. This moment, this year it's been so full of sadness, and I don't know how to rise from it. Sometimes I wonder if being strong is just another way to hide how broken I feel inside. But here I am, still standing, still breathing. Maybe that's strength in itself, but God, it's tiring. I'm just so tired. -S