Take it with a grain of salt.

Just getting this off my chest. I am a 15 year old turning 16 this year; and the academic pressure I put on myself is very heavy. I know that it may be absurd but I am from a family that’s not well off—we have budget constraints and I study in an institution. I always wonder if this life was truly meant for me, I’ve been surviving for 15 years, to be 16 is like another burden than I have to go through and I hate this life that I have. As I am a strong believer in karma, I can sense that I have to pay for it. I’m not a ‘perfect’ person, I’m also imperfect. It makes me wonder, do I truly deserve to live this life that I have? Does my parents have karma to pay? Do I have karma to pay?

It all started when I was in school, I was known to be a top achiever in our class I was basically an academic-powered student. After 3rd grade, we migrated to another country, this country was very nice and I am currently living in it right now. As I step into 4th grade—my family were immigrants and we are an immigrant family and we couldn’t afford private schools in this country because it’s 50x more expensive than the country we live in. It didn’t bother me at first—I tried to do my best and I can say that 4th grade was my academic downfall.

I suddenly got influenced to absurd content, substances and I was willingly given the opportunity to try a vape at fourth grade. I know, it’s very odd and it’s so sad to even think about it. Mind you, I was just 4th grade that time—the influence the people have on me before was immaculate, I never knew I would find out about all of these substances when I was in my country. Moreover I believe it turned me to a stronger person—I already became matured when I was 5th grade and for me that’s too young. Suddenly all of the problems aroused from the dirt, suddenly I’m sinking in a boat filled with problems.

My parents aren’t on good terms right now but they’re still together, they’re planing on doing ‘co-parenting’ and we have talked about it and it’s fine for me. But me yearning for a perfect family—knowing that I’ll only scream to be heard but not actionable crushes my dreams.

Moreover, as I grow up I decided that I wanted to take back the power I let go of. I joined this competition where everyone who wants to join from different schools, and there I felt my spark come back—I started doing great again. In those two days of my life I felt like my academic life suddenly came back and I was happy—but I knew deep down that I have to go back to my life where I am constantly struggling to live. As I take the bus back home, it made me realize how much opportunities I have missed because of financial struggles—it made me hate my whole life even right now. Thinking about it is like a gun in the head. I never wanted these problems at all and my problems are stacked and I don’t know what to do. I could’ve been an academic weapon if only I wasn’t struggling financially or my family wasn’t. I know I mustn’t keep my head down and keep my chin up—but the fact that my problems are stood like a domino—waiting for it to collapse and suddenly when it collapses I loose myself is the pain I have to bear.

As much as I have told myself to always be grateful but the question is, what is there to be grateful of? I’ve been thinking about it for months, me yearning for the answers of my own questions really pains me because why should a 15 year old go through this? I could’ve been a rich student from a good-reputable school where his life is perfect and has a nice loving family. But yet again, it may be a dream for me to just dream of—drawing strength and inspiration from it fills in the void that is inside of me; but achieving it fulfills the duties I have in this world. Knowing that I can’t achieve it hurts me and it may be just a dream for me to imagine all a long.