should i listen to a man when he says i deserve more than he can give me?

1 month ago 62

my ex is diagnosed Anti Social Personality Disorder- i know this as definitive because i’ve seen psych drs give him the diagnosis. he had been in and out of jail and rehabs since like age 15. For the record, I am a very empathetic human and always try to see the good in people and often connect with broken souls / try to fix them or be the light in their dark world. we had been together for almost 6 months. we met on bumble and our first date was intense to say the least, I almost felt like he was grilling me to see if I would pass his tests, like asking questions about my worldly views and how I feel about certain races and telling me how he wants to save the white race and how he idolizes Hitler’s views. I left and felt like I was unsure about him because of this, so things died out for a few weeks after that. I knew in my gut that something was off about him but he was also checking all of my boxes in terms of being so attentive , having similar interests, wanting to be with me and showing me love and devotion. we decided to hang out again after texting for a bit, and our dates mostly consisted of us going out to dinner, me drinking a bit and him not because he’s 4 years sober. I felt like he was always trying to get me drunk though (maybe it was to secure s3x or maybe me being a little drunk made him feel more comfortable). He would ask me questions further about my political ideologies and push my limitations on what i’m comfortable with when it came to racist remarks and comments which i always found odd. he idolized western “outlaws” and spoke of them alot. He became possessive of me in the beginning; not overwhelming but just saying things like “God made me for him”, and i can be only for him from now on and for no one else, and that i need to understand that he owns me and owns my mind body and soul and that he wanted to learn me from the inside out. But that died out towards the end- i didn’t feel that he had any trust issues with me , he didn’t question me ; he trusted me and that possessive had gone away which struck me as odd bc it was so prevalent in the beginning. As our relationship progressed we did develop a strong bond, i would say that we absolutely became best friends and could talk for hours with one another about absolutely anything. he was my comfort in this crazy world and i felt safe and secure with him. as i said, im more on the empath side so i did feel badly for him, and all that he had experienced through his childhood with lots of trauma that definitely aided in the ASPD diagnosis he was given. i saw something in him that i didn’t think anyone else saw and he always acknowledged that. he always told me how grateful for me that he was and how much he loved me and i know in his own way he truly did, but i felt like he had to force himself be “normal” for me, force himself to come to any social events, or force himself to be very cuddly or loving with me (it didn’t come natural). He would make comments like “i’m just trying to be as human as possible, do you get it?” or “i want to fit in so badly and im trying my best to” or about how he has to force himself to understand other people like when a friend told him that their grandpa passed away, he didn’t know what to say to his friend or how to feel badly for him. We ultimately have decided recently that we may not be able to give eachother what we need, which i kind of knew deep down from the start but didn’t want to truly face bc i didn’t want to lose him. he said he doesn’t know how to understand my needs or the emotions of other people no matter how hard he tries, (he would often call me and ask me if his response to someone was what a “normal” person would say). he told me he knows i deserve more than what he’s capable of giving and that because he respects me so much he is letting me go and not going to hold me back in life because of his inability to be the partner i really need. he said in the past he has just “dropped people on a dime” and not really given them the time of day or an explanation as to why he no longer wants to hang with them. before me he went on like 7 dates and he said everyone “bored” him but when he met me he felt i had something special and he found me entertaining and not annoying like other people. he valued my opinion and he valued me as a human. i know he loved me to the best of his ability but i also knew something was missing, like he was just wired different. We ended with saying that we would remain friends and he told me he wants to be in my life still and see me succeed and be truly happy. He also told me that what i want from a relationship he ultimately feels he’ll never be able to give me and he probably will never be in another relationship again bc he struggles to meet the basic needs of a woman.

for me it’s like, how do you walk away from someone who became your bestfriend? how do you walk away feeling like there is so much potential and possibility between you and this person? but for him, our talk seems to be a definitive thing for him and he seems stuck on his decision to walk away. which hurts worse. idk, I guess i am just looking for some insight or opinions because I am very upset things didn’t workout and I wish they could have been different but I don’t know if they ever would be because of his diagnosis and other circumstances surrounding our relationship (no mean comments please).

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