2 months ago
53
I’m a 20F in college, and I have a friend who I love so deeply, it surprises me. It’s not just platonic love—I know these feelings are romantic, even lesbian. I love her unconditionally, even though I know she’ll never love me back because she’s straight.
Sometimes, it hurts. She connects with our other friends more easily than she does with me, and at times, I feel like she finds me a little annoying. That makes this whole situation so awkward and bittersweet. But even with all that, I can’t help but be happy just loving her.
Every day, going to class feels like it’s just for the chance to see her. When I don’t see her, my energy drops, and I feel so sad. She’s like my comfort zone—the person I feel safest and happiest around.
I’ve been dealing with some health problems, but whenever I see her, all my symptoms seem to disappear, and I just feel so good. There were times when I was sick in the morning but still went to see her in the afternoon. Even after getting treatment at the hospital, I’d still make an effort to go and see her. Once, when I twisted my ankle and it was swollen badly, I still pushed myself to attend class just to be near her. She feels like my magic medicine. I love her so, so much.
Lately, we've been seeing each other less because we're in different project groups. Next semester (which is the internship period for us), I won't see her at all. The next time we'll be in the same class again will be in our final semester in August 2025. Just the thought of living my life without her next semester feels so painful.
On top of that, it seems like our current project group is falling apart because of disagreements and misaligned working styles. She doesn't like working with me because I'm slow to understand things, and it frustrates her. Knowing that she feels this way makes me so sad, especially since I won't be around her as much anymore. It's a confusing mix of joy and pain.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? How do you cope with loving someone so deeply when you know we don't match even to be her best friend is almost impossible
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