Now, I don't know what to do but wait for a miracle or a "gift" from the universe

It's been 4 years since the first time I entered adulthood and earn my first paycheck

I'd say the first 2 years was a rollercoaster ride, so many ups & downs cause I don't work a stable job (mostly freelance & self employed) because it's the only way I could give my best, and it started okay so I don't look for a job in a company.

Now im in a very bad situation, and I can't use my degree to land a job in a company cause I haven't been using it.

It seems like for the last 2 years everything i tried always fails, either I can't land a job or the small businesses that im running always failed. Just failure after failure after failure

At first it was because of my own lack of knowledge or experience, purely my fault. But this year, I know for sure that i have master my craft, but it seems like the universe always go against me.

From family issues that affected my emotional stability, to pure bad luck that's really out of my control.

Failure after failure after failure and for the last 2 months I literally can't do anything else other than wait for a business deal to get through or liquidating an asset

Which all of them would take place early next year if im lucky and the universe allow it to do so lol

I cannot even describe the whole situation cause it would literally become a book if i do so.

Life is hard man, this life has made me thinking whatever comes after death won't be worse than this. And whatever I'll achieve in the future won't make up for all the shit I've been through.

It's so hard for me mostly because of how i grew up and what kind of person I've become.

I feel like i never achieve anything that lasts even tho i always tried. It's always a short success followed by a longer & worse failure.

I've keep saying to my self "as long as you get back up, everything is possible" for thousands of times and I don't know how many more i can take