No Longer Human - Osamu Dazai, a painful & thought-provoking read

I've just finished No Longer Human, and oh boy was that a journey.

The first time I picked it up, I didn't think one bit it would dawn on me this much. I struggled to keep reading. Yet I did, and I was surprisingly hooked. I found myself intrigued by this "madman" as Osamu Dazai called him. The way he openly talked about himself and his feelings in such a raw and unfiltered way was captivating. It made me reflect on myself, more specifically, my "ugly" traits. I thought that deep down, I resembled Yobo.

While reading, I kept thinking, when did it all start? I felt so sorry for him. Ever since he was a child, he mentioned that he felt alienated from everyone else. His childhood was from from ordinary. He was even violated as a kid, and he said he had to endure it because he was uncapable of anything else.

What struck me the most was when his father asked him for a gift, and he did not know what to say. His dad should have tried to see beneath the surface, he should have listened to his child and tried to help him at least. Had someone reached out to him in his childhood, maybe that would have been better. On the other hand, as an adult, he was given a myriad of chances to repent. Flatfish tried to help him find his purpose, yet Yobo was a shell at that time, devoid of any desires or ambitions.

I felt angry at him too, when Yochi was assaulted. I sympathize with his alienation and anxiety, yet I feel like he could have at least acknowledged the suffering of others, even if he could not understand it. It was painful to read that part.

Overall, I have had conflicting feelings towards Yobo, yet his character resonated with me in numerous ways. I too had a friend like Horiki, who constantly dragged me down, yet I kept them around, exchanging nonsensical conversations. I also find it difficult to connect with others sometimes. I have always had a few friends and struggled to express my feelings. Like Yobo, I don't feel like anyone would understand the depths of my suffering and agony. I feel like everyone dismisses them as just past failures & occurences.

Such a sad read, but it was comforting in a way. I felt like I was listening to the torments of my old friend, whom I deeply cherished.

To anyone who's read it, how did the book make you feel? What do you think about the main character?