MY SAD LIFE. I am SO ANXIOUS. PLS HELP ME

So I am a female. I was really invested in studies in school and college because getting good grades was my only source of validation since I was a fat kid. But then when I turned teenager, I groomed and became conventionally hot and boys started hitting on me. In my mind, I used to think I’ll only date to marry, but for some reason I used to only attract fuckboys. Thank god I didn’t ever have sex. But every experience left me heartbroken cause I never felt I was important for any guy. They would makeout and leave or ignore me. That started making me vulnerable. I was still doing okay in my studies but I became insanely obsessed with talking to random guys on Omegle or Instagram or dating apps. Each approval gave me a weird hit. I would never actually go out to date, probably a few times, but mostly not. I would pretend that I was studying but I was never studying cause the constant rejection by boys (boys would approach me but reject to date me) would make me feel like life was worthless as I have no love interest. And that caused spiral of career failures. Since 5 years I’ve been struggling to clear 1 fucking exam. I’ve become extremely low confident, low self worth, immature, impulsive person. That’s why I never have a meaningful connection for a long time. And then During all this while my cousins have gotten a job, got married, had a baby, and I’m still stuck. Cousins younger than me have also started working. But I’m not, cause I can’t till I clear this exam. I also have 2 surgeries to be done, so that also have created a trauma in my mind, I don’t feel confident with my body. I had been using a voice chat app since last 2 years. Random strangers come and talk. There I met a guy, extremely rude, honest, and stoic. Doesn’t give a fuck about anyone. I fell for him for his nonchalant personality and I would keep ranting to him about my problems and he would give me psychological rational unfiltered advices or perspective. But getting his attention was a challenge. He would talk to many such people and that would make me jealous. This all made me feel like I was in love with him. But he told me he was not. Since 2 years I’ve been affected by the rejection. Even if he’s extremely rude and toxic to me and everyone I hate that I still keep wanting his attention. I still keep expecting a call from him, even if he’s just abusing me, his attention makes it all worth it. My parents were very supportive till last attempt of my exams, but now they obviously are mad at me. I’m constantly compared to other cousins and that makes me insanely angry. Like very angry. What is wrong with me